Why “Just Be Yourself” Is Bad Dating Advice – Social Attraction
“Just be yourself.” It is a phrase men hear all the time when they ask for dating advice. On the surface, it sounds reassuring.
But if you are a man who has struggled to attract the women you truly want, this advice can leave you feeling confused, frustrated, and stuck. In this article, I will explain why “just be yourself” is bad dating advice — and more importantly, how I coach men to achieve genuine dating success instead.
Over the years, I have worked with hundreds of men who tried following this advice and ended up more disheartened than before.
What they needed was not a vague slogan but clear guidance on how to become their best, most attractive selves. Here is why “just be yourself” often leads men astray — and what works better.
Why “Just Be Yourself” Fails Men in the Modern Dating World
1. It assumes your current self is enough
The phrase “just be yourself” suggests that the way you are right now should automatically attract the kind of women you want. But what if your current behaviours and mindset are not creating attraction? What if they are, in fact, pushing women away without you even realising it?
For example, one of my clients, Tom, came to me in his early 40s after years of dating frustration. He was kind, successful, and intelligent. Yet women consistently saw him as “just a friend.” If Tom had continued to “just be himself,” nothing would have changed. He needed to develop new behaviours and skills that brought out his confident, attractive side — the version of himself that women find compelling.
2. It offers no practical guidance
What does “just be yourself” actually mean in practice? Should you act the same way on a date as you do with lifelong friends? Should you share every thought and feeling without filter? Without specific direction, this advice leaves men guessing — and often getting it wrong.
Dating success is not about pretending to be someone else. But it does require self-awareness, skill, and intentional action. Attraction is not automatic — it is something you create through the way you communicate, carry yourself, and engage with others. This is where coaching makes the difference.
3. It leads to passive dating
Many men who try to “just be themselves” end up taking a passive approach to dating. They wait for women to notice them, hoping that being a “nice guy” will be enough. Unfortunately, this usually leads to disappointment. Women are drawn to men who take the lead, express intent, and create emotional impact — not men who blend into the background.
When Tom shifted from passive to proactive behaviour, his dating life changed. He learned how to approach women confidently, spark attraction, and move interactions forward — skills that transformed his results.
How I Coach Men to Succeed Instead
1. Identifying what is not working
The first step is self-awareness. I help my clients identify the specific patterns and behaviours that are holding them back. For Tom, this included:
- Playing it too safe in conversations
- Apologising unnecessarily
- Hiding his romantic intent
By recognising these habits, Tom was able to replace them with behaviours that created attraction and connection.
2. Teaching practical dating skills
Rather than vague advice, I provide men with practical tools they can apply immediately. This includes:
- How to create sexual tension through eye contact and body language
- How to flirt and tease in a way that feels natural
- How to express interest with confidence
- How to lead conversations and interactions smoothly
We practise these skills through role-plays and real-world challenges, so clients feel ready for any situation.
3. Helping men become their best selves
Success with women does not come from pretending to be someone else. It comes from becoming the best version of yourself. I help men develop qualities that are universally attractive:
- Confidence
- Assertiveness
- Playfulness
- Emotional resilience
When Tom started bringing these qualities forward, women responded differently. He felt authentic — but also powerful and magnetic.
The Results of Doing the Work
Tom’s transformation took time and effort, but the results spoke for themselves. Within six weeks of working together, he:
- Was dating a woman he genuinely admired
- Felt confident starting conversations in any environment
- Reported enjoying dating again, without the anxiety that had plagued him before
Most importantly, Tom felt proud of who he was becoming — not because he was “just being himself,” but because he was growing into his best self.
What to Do If You Are Tired of “Just Be Yourself” Advice
If you have tried this empty advice and are still not getting the results you want, here is a better approach:
- Get feedback – Identify patterns and behaviours that might be holding you back.
- Learn dating skills – Build confidence, communication ability, and emotional impact through guided practice.
- Take consistent action – Progress comes from doing, not just thinking. Small daily steps build real momentum.
- Focus on becoming your best self – The goal is to develop qualities that naturally attract women while staying true to who you are.
Frequently Asked Questions About This Topic
Doesn’t “just be yourself” work for some men?
Yes — but usually for men who are already displaying attractive qualities like confidence, playfulness, and assertiveness. For men who struggle with dating, “just be yourself” does not provide the guidance needed to change patterns and create success.
How can I tell if I am being too passive?
If you find that women see you as a friend, you hesitate to express interest, or you wait for women to make the first move, you are likely being too passive. Taking the lead in interactions is key to creating attraction.
Is coaching about changing who I am?
No — coaching is about helping you bring out your best qualities while addressing the habits and mindsets that are holding you back. The goal is for you to feel authentic, not fake.
How long does it take to see results?
Every man is different, but most of my clients see noticeable improvements within a few weeks of applying what they learn. The key is consistent effort and willingness to grow.
What is the first step I should take if I want to improve?
The first step is honest self-reflection. Ask yourself where you might be holding back, playing it safe, or hoping things will just happen. From there, set small, achievable goals to begin taking action.
Why is “just be yourself” such common dating advice?
It is easy to say and sounds supportive. People often give this advice because they want to reassure you, but they may not know how to offer more practical, actionable guidance. Unfortunately, it usually leaves men without the tools they need to succeed in dating.
Isn’t authenticity important in dating?
Absolutely. Authenticity is key. But being authentic does not mean doing nothing to improve. It means being the best version of yourself — confident, expressive, and self-assured — rather than simply staying in your comfort zone and hoping women will notice.
What is the risk of following “just be yourself” advice?
The risk is that you stay passive and miss opportunities. Many men who follow this advice end up waiting for women to approach them, failing to express intent, or assuming that their natural behaviours will create attraction when they do not.
How can I stay authentic while improving my dating skills?
The key is to work on qualities that align with who you are: confidence, communication, playfulness, and emotional resilience. You are not changing who you are — you are highlighting the traits that make you most attractive while learning how to express them more effectively.
What is the first practical step to take beyond “just be yourself” advice?
Start by setting small, achievable goals that push you slightly out of your comfort zone. This could be making eye contact, starting short conversations, or expressing interest directly. The goal is to build momentum and confidence through action.
Final Thoughts
“Just be yourself” sounds good, but it is not enough for most men who want to succeed in dating. Real progress comes from self-awareness, skill development, and consistent action.
When you stop waiting for women to see your value and start showing it through confident, attractive behaviour, your dating life changes.
The best version of yourself is not passive — it is active, intentional, and powerful. That is the path to genuine dating success.
Written by Gary Gunn
Gary Gunn is an internationally accredited coach with 17 years of experience coaching single men.
He has spent years creating proven, real world systems that help men meet, attract and date the women they desire. He is also the best selling author of a book on confidence and dating.
Gary has taught in over 30 major cities worldwide and has coached more than 1,200 men globally through group courses, video coaching and one to one training.
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