How To Approach Women | The Ultimate Guide

How To Approach Women | The Ultimate Guide

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

In this article, you will read my ultimate guide on how to approach women. For many of us, approaching different women seems out of our reach. Yet, if we are unable to start a conversation with a woman then our dating options are going to remain limited.

Therefore included here:

  • A simple step-by-step process for approaching women using 9 different strategies (tried and tested)
  • The ideal environments where each strategy works best (to maximise results)
  • A bonus strategy in each segment (just for fun)

These techniques will work even if we are feeling tired or do not have optimal confidence levels, so we can still approach and speak to women that we find attractive.

You can also transform your dating life with our digital products and coaching courses.

How do you approach and talk to women?

To approach and talk to women the first crucial step is to feel comfortable enough to walk over and get physically close enough to speak to her.

If we lack confidence or have anxiety about speaking to women (which many of us do), then this is not as easy a task as it sounds. One simple thing we can do to build up to speaking to a woman we find attractive is to focus on getting proximity.

Getting proximity

‘Getting proximity’ means moving physically close enough to a girl to start a conversation as shown in the illustration below. This can be anything from 1.5- 3 metres away from her or her group.

A man standing 1.5 meters away from a woman so he can easily approach her

By taking this small step it makes starting any new conversation appear more spontaneous, unplanned and natural.

Along with getting proximity, we can also use power posing and affirmations to help overcome any anxiety we are feeling about approaching a girl. To find out more read my how to overcome approach anxiety article where I further outline how these three simple steps that will help. I cannot stress enough how implementing these steps will change your dating life for the better.

How do I approach a woman in public?

One helpful way to approach a woman in public is to alter the way we think about carrying out this action. When we think about approaching women we tend to imagine ourselves walking over to a girl and either being accepted or rejected. This is quite an extreme mindset that does nothing except add unhelpful pressure on us.

Instead, it is much better to incrementally build up our confidence in a gradual way. We can do this by having smaller social interactions with strangers that involve smiling, holding eye contact and practising speaking. This serves to make us more comfortable in introducing ourselves to people we do not know and, moreover, will assist us in approaching and speaking to an attractive woman when the occasion arises.

The Pulsating Point

Another alternative is to use our body language to initiate contact as illustrated below. When we see an attractive girl we tend to feel a spike in our energy levels. Crucially, we can harness this force by allowing it to flow into our arm, leading us to instantly point at the girl we like.

A man pointing at a woman as a way of starting a conversation with her
An added benefit to this is, compared to other approaches, pointing also limits the chances of being rejected in front of the other members of our current social environment.

Exact Strategy

1. We get eye contact from a girl.
2. Then point at her straight away.
3. We add in a playful smile.
4. If she engages us, you can signal her to join us, or we point on the floor halfway to meet her there instead.

Best Scenarios To Implement

This strategy is best used in evening social environments such as bars and nightclubs. We can also utilise this approach when we are walking around in the daytime as a fun game to see which women react to our playful approach.

A bonus strategy for approaching a woman is when a girl responds by pointing back at us, we can pretend that we were, in fact, pointing at someone behind her. This is a great way to initiate flirting at the start of a relationship.

How do I approach a girl without being awkward?

One great way to approach a girl without being awkward is to use a prop to give a valid reason for speaking to her. For instance, we can walk up to her with our phone camera on and ask her to take a photo of us.

Indeed, in today’s generation of selfies, groupies and Instagram, it is normal and natural to see men and women taking an array of photographs on a day-to-day basis. We can capitalise on this existing photo theme by asking women to take a picture of us as a way of initiating a conversation with her as illustrated below.

The Camera Angle

The camera angle can be used as a simple warm-up tool or a way of meeting women in all social situations. It can also be used as a go-to way of speaking to girls if we are experiencing high levels of anxiety.

A man asking a woman to take a photo of him as an easy way to approach and start a conversation with her

Exact Strategy

1. We hold our phone in our hand, and therefore it is clear that we are about to ask someone to take a photograph.
2. Then say “Excuse me” loudly and wait for the girl’s attention to focus on us, this may take 1-2 seconds.
3. When we have her gaze, we lift our arm and say “Can you take a quick photo of me please?

Best Scenarios To Implement

This approach works well on the street, in cafes and in tourist locations. Over time we have also found that it works well in any social setting including bars, nightclubs and even dance floors.

A bonus strategy to approach women is whenever you see a girl you like taking a selfie or a groupie; why not approach her and offer to take the photo on her behalf. This happens all the time in a social situation and is a great way to meet new people in a friendly way.

How to approach women on a night out?

The best way to approach women on a night out is if we are with a group of people who all share the same sociable vibe. Here, it is worth remembering that we want to come across as fun, friendly and approachable rather than try-hard or desperate as this will just put women off.

Working as a team in social settings is a great strategy to meet women; it can save a lot of time, effort and energy as well as introducing a new and fun dynamic. When speaking to a girl on a night out why not challenge her to be your group’s ‘wing-girl.’

The Social Revolution

All we have to do is ask her to introduce other groups of women to our social circle as illustrated below.

A man using a wing girl to approach women for him
On the same note, we can also act as a ‘wing-man’ within our crowd and introduce girls to the other members of our entourage. The value arrives when we have an effective group synergy. Having other people join our group also shows we have good social intelligence.

To learn more on this, as well as useful tips to help you carry on a conversation read my how to carry on a conversation with women article.

Exact Strategy

1. Before we go to a social setting we organise a wing-man or wing-girl in advance.
2. If we lack one, then we find one during the evening.
3. We can act as their wingman to freshen up the dynamic and create a fair exchange.

Best Scenarios To Implement

The best time to utilise this strategy is in any social setting. We can also push this concept further and look for introductions through any of our friends, family or social circles.

A bonus strategy for approaching women is playing a group game in which anyone who loses eye contact with a member of the group has to instantly go over and approach the girl whom he has just glanced towards. This simultaneously educates us not to be influenced by attractive women in the vicinity – which is a highly alluring trait.

How do you start a conversation with a girl you don’t know?

One effective way to start a conversation with a girl you don’t know is to ask her opinion on a topic. When we ask someone for their opinion and genuinely and actively listen to their response, we are allowing that individual to feel valued at the moment.

The Open-End…

We can use this understanding to engage women in conversation by asking for their opinion on a specific topic. As long as the theme is interesting it will naturally open up a discussion as illustrated below.

A man listening intently to a woman after he has approached her and asked an open-ended question
The topic could be an open-ended question that allows for a fluidity of response: any matters related to relationships, dreams or the unknown work well.

Exact Strategy

1. We say “Excuse me” loudly and wait for her to gain eye contact. This may take 1-2 seconds.
2. Then say “Let me get you quick opinion on…
3. We state our open-ended question.

When using this approach stick to topics that you are genuinely curious about. Otherwise, you may move the conversation away from a topic too quickly or awkwardly. Women will notice when it is simply a front to engage them in conversation, so to reiterate, select an authentic subject matter to discuss.

Best Scenarios To Implement

This approach works well in cafes during the day; it also works equally well in all social environments if you have an interesting enough question. Remember to always keep the question open-ended.

A bonus strategy for approaching a woman is, instead of looking up answers to questions on Google, remember the question and use it to start new interactions with women. The key is to make it as natural and fluid as possible.

How do you start approaching a woman?

One easy way to start approaching a woman and initiating a conversation is to mention something situational around us.

Indeed, when we look around the room we can observe thousands of different items on which we can focus our attention. From the door shape to the paint colour or even the ceiling height for example.

The Selective Statement

The point is that if we take a few moments to become aware of our current environment, there is an endless amount of things we can detect as illustrated below.

A man pointing at a bird as way to approach a girl and start a conversation
The aim of making a selective statement is to mention anything that is peculiar, mundane, or even original in our current location as a means of initiating a conversation with women.

Exact Strategy

1. Firstly, we say “Excuse me” loudly and wait for the girl’s attention to focus on us. This may take 1-2 seconds.
2. Then say “Hey have you seen this …
3. Finally we point in the direction of what we would like to draw her attention towards.

Best Scenarios To Implement

This approach works well in all static situations as we can draw her attention to anything. Simply ensure that we can put some kind of exciting or interesting frame around our observation.

A bonus strategy for approaching women is to utilise a similar principle when we see a girl reading. Simply approach her and comment on her book as a way of triggering a conversation.

How do you talk to a girl if you are shy?

Talking to a girl if we are shy can feel overwhelming. In fact, when we aspire to start a conversation with an attractive girl, suddenly, it can feel as if all of our insecurities bubble up at the same time.

In this situation when fear sets in, we tend to revert back to our existing structure for socialising. If we do not have a plan in place, we usually turn inwards and become anxious.

The Social Butterfly

One way to eradicate this fear is by warming up our social muscles as this has the effect of calming our inner dialogue, and preventing us from feeling doubts, worries, and concerns.

A man approaching and speaking to different groups of women

Exact Strategy

1. We go to a social environment.
2. Speak to at least three men or women upon entering the environment.
3. By this time we are ready to start a conversation with someone new by simply turning to them and saying “Hello.”

Best Scenarios To Implement

This strategy works best when we are in a social state of flow and we are in the midst of speaking to people. When we are emanating a fun and enjoyable vibe.

A bonus strategy for approaching women is, after speaking with a girl for a few minutes, playfully mention that you are pleased that she finally had the courage to come and say “Hello” to you. This works really well if there is already some flirting between the two of you.

How to approach a girl in a bar?

The best way to approach a girl in a bar is to choose a prime location in the venue that receives a lot of attention or a lot of foot traffic. This makes it easier to be noticed by others and to start a conversation with the women passing by.

If we can create an area of our own – in which we invite people into our world – it saves vital energy whilst also preventing us from trying too hard to approach women.

Location, Location, Location

For example, in Budapest, there is a bar called Szimpla with a retro-car fitted out with four seats. In claiming this location, then it is likely that women will want to get photos and sit with us in the car as illustrated below.

A man standing in a good location to influence women to approach him
When we enter any environment we should have our eyes fixed on claiming the best possible location. Ideally, one which is guaranteed to make it easy and accessible for women to join our group.

Exact Strategy

1. Firstly, we walk into any social setting and select the highest value area. It could be a chair next to the heater in the smoking area of a bar/club, the high stool next to a busy bar where we can take up space. Or a table where there is likely to be a heavy flow of people.
2. Once we have claimed this spot we take up as much space as possible.
3. Finally, we then relax and enjoy our evening

Best Scenarios To Implement

This approach works well in all social settings; we should focus our attention on areas that gather groups of women, and then claim a similar position next time we are in a similar venue.

A bonus strategy is that this approach also works on a global scale when we are selecting where to live. Remember it is always easier to get the high-value location and let the environment do your work for you.

What do you say when approaching a woman?

Knowing what to say when approaching an attractive woman can feel like an insurmountable task. We often overcomplicate the process of starting a new conversation thinking we need to engage her with some unique witty opening line to capture her attention.

However, it works to our benefit to simplify an introduction by remarking on something straightforward, such as her appearance. Or, in other words, using an exclamation.

The Exclamation Point!

For example, we see an interesting item of clothing that a girl is wearing, and simply announce it to her as a way of starting a conversation. A man making a bold exclamation about a girl's outfit as a way of approaching her
The more sincere we are with our exclamations, the more receptive women will be to our initial approach. It is a case of having the confidence to say exactly what we think.

A word of caution here – never make an exclamation sexual in any way as this will just cause discomfort and embarrassment.

Exact Strategy

1. Firstly we point at the article we are speaking about.
2. Secondly we then make our exclamation.
3. “Nice trousers; they look brand new!”
4. “I like your hat; it makes you look creative!”
5. “Interesting eye makeup; it makes you look exotic!”

Best Scenarios To Implement

We can use this strategy in any setting; as long as we have observed an item of clothing that we can comment on to use as a tool to engage her in conversation. Just make sure the comment is genuine.

A bonus strategy is we can add an air of mystery to our initial statement by not making it clear whether we are complimenting a girl or not. For example, “Your hat; that’s an interesting design!”

How to approach a girl with confidence?

The simplest way to approach a girl with confidence is to use a direct approach, making it clear from the start that we find her attractive.

Many of us will, instead, opt for an indirect approach to starting a conversation with women, especially when we are feeling nervous, anxious or overwhelmed. In reality, we can save a lot of time, effort and energy by being upfront with our intentions from the outset.

Crossing The Rubicon

This is known as a direct approach as illustrated below.

Most importantly this strategy requires confidence. When mixed with tried and tested principles, it quickly becomes a great tool for making impactful first impressions with women.

A man paying a woman a direct compliment to initiate a conversation

Exact Strategy

1. Firstly we recognise that we are approaching women to offer them a compliment and we aim to make them feel good about themselves.
2. Make sure our feet are not directly pointing towards her because this instinctively sets off her flight or fight response.
3. Exclaim “Excuse me” as loud as we can. The louder we speak our first words, the more likely we are to interrupt her thoughts and take her off her autopilot response.

Pause and wait for her to stop and gain our eye contact.

5. Directly state why we have stopped to talk to her; it can be her choice of style, hair or anything which is specific and unique to her. An example is “I had to stop you to say that I really love your style; and especially your eye makeup; it looks great.”
6. Finally we pause, hold her eye contact and wait for her to reply.

When we are using this strategy we have to accept that there is a certain amount of rejection that will come our way. However, instead of avoiding this feeling, we should embrace it as a learning lesson and as a way to toughen us up. It will also help refine our approach for future interactions. To learn other helpful ways of handling rejection along with how to channel the emotion, read my how to handle rejection with women article.

Best Scenarios To Implement

This approach is best implemented during the day and it can also be effective on a night out. Just be mindful that if we are in a fixed social environment, then additionally we want to gain some positive eye contact first to reduce our risk of rejection.

A bonus strategy is to try and look for opportunities to compliment people in our day-to-day lives. This allows us to get used to making people feel good about themselves. Furthermore, this also gives us real-life exposure to this approach.


  • The Pulsating Point. Harness that spike in energy levels and point to the girl you like, then playfully signal her to join you. This limits the chance of any rejection being witnessed publicly.
  • The Camera Angle. Ask her to take a picture of you as a way of starting a conversation. Great for all social situations from a night out to a cafe or tourist locations.
  • The Social Revolution. On a night out invite a girl to be your group’s ‘wing-girl’ and introduce other groups of women to you. This creates a fun and energetic social dynamic.
  • The Open-End… Asking a woman for her opinion on a topic will open up a dialogue. Ensure the topic is genuinely interesting to you and that you actively listen to her response for maximum gains.
  • The Selective Statement. Point out something situational to a girl; it could be peculiar, mundane, exciting or anything interesting that has grabbed your attention.
  • The Social Butterfly. Have a firm plan in place and warm up your social muscles by talking to at least 3 people before approaching a girl that you like. This mitigates anxiety and you will already be in a social state of flow.
  • Location, Location, Location. Claiming the best possible location in a venue will make it easier to strike up conversations with women that pass by or want a picture taken.
  • The Exclamation Point! Use an item of clothing or accessory a girl is wearing to make a genuine exclamation about.
  • Crossing The Rubicon. This is a direct approach in paying a woman a genuine compliment about her style or appearance. It requires confidence and works best when it is accompanied by positive eye contact first.


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Written by Gary Gunn

Gary Gunn is a trained coach, accredited therapist and best selling author. He offers proven, evidence-based dating advice for single men.

He has hosted over 1,000 in-person dating confidence courses across the UK and Europe, as well as over 1,500 online courses.

As the head coach at Social Attraction, he leads the team and oversees the training and courses provided, helping countless men transform their dating lives.
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