Why Chasing Women Leaves You Feeling Empty

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

29 August 2025

If you are fantasizing about women and eventually you get a date, you end up hooking up, but you do not really enjoy the experience, then the following day you feel a bit empty. Another clue is that you do not really remember much about the encounter. If this sounds familiar, then you are falling into a trap.

In today’s article, I am going to explain what is happening and what you can do to solve the problem. In a succinct statement: if you are chasing women, you are not going to be enjoying women.

Table of Contents

The trap of chasing women

If you are chasing a specific goal or a specific outcome, then when you finally achieve it you fall off the edge of a cliff. Think about it this way: if your goal is to push a rock to the top of a hill, what happens when you get the rock to the top? You let go. Job done.

But what if you enjoyed the process of building something meaningful instead? What if you pushed the rock for a greater purpose? That is the difference between chasing women for sex and creating genuine connections that bring meaning to your life.

My name is Gary Gunn and I am a professional dating and self-confidence coach. Over the past 17 years I have coached countless men, and this problem is far more common than you might imagine. Many men experience a strange feeling of emptiness while having sex. They chase the hookup, finally get it, but during the act they realize they are not really that into it.

In my professional opinion, this happens because you are chasing a figment of your imagination. You are buying too much into your sexual energy and you do not know how to control it. If you could control your sexual energy, I believe you would not be spending time with the same women you currently choose. For many men, the only reason they are with certain women is because they are attractive. There is no real connection, no deep conversation, no intimacy, and no meaning behind the time spent together.

Different types of relationships

Of course there are many different types of relationships. There are flings, polyamorous relationships, monogamous partnerships, and more. Not everyone wants the same thing. A fling is a fling, often full of heightened sexual energy. When you meet someone new, the chemistry can be exciting and powerful.

But what I am talking about here is different. If you are pursuing women purely for sex, if you are thinking “I really want to hook up with her” and then you feel empty afterward, the issue often comes down to your sexual energy.

How to channel sexual energy

There are many different ways you can channel sexual energy. Exercise is often seen as the number one answer. And while it can help, it is not always the solution. Unless you are exercising to the point of physical exhaustion every single day, the urges will remain. In fact, for some men, working out makes the sexual urges stronger, not weaker.

Another option is cold showers or ice baths. I have coached people to use both methods. For some they are effective, for others not so much. The goal with an ice bath is to get the heat out of your system. When you are horny, you feel like you are on heat, and the cold water helps cool your system down.

The problem is that this is not always practical. If you are feeling urges in the middle of the day, you are unlikely to run to the shower. Many men use this method first thing in the morning instead, which can help them regulate their energy for the day. Again, it works for some people, but not for everyone.

Martial arts and fighting energy

Another overlooked solution is martial arts. In my experience, when you are horny, your body is not just preparing for sex. It is actually ramping itself up to fight. If you think about human history and mate protection, this makes sense. You only need to watch a wildlife documentary to see how many species fight for mates.

When you are in that state, your body is full of energy and ready for conflict. If you can recognize this, you can channel the energy into martial arts. Practice fighting stances, hit a punch bag, or explore practices like qi gong. These methods allow you to redirect that sexual energy into discipline and strength rather than chasing women aimlessly.

Staying busy with meaningful work

Feelings of chasing women also tend to happen when you are not busy. When you have too much free time, your sexual urges take over. The simplest way to deal with this is to stay busy with meaningful work.

Notice I said meaningful. It does not mean just going through the motions at your job. It means finding projects, goals, or passions that absorb you. If you are not engrossed in what you do, then your energy will spill into chasing women.

Another helpful practice is phone free time. If you know you get urges at a certain time of day, turn your phone off during that window. For example, if you always feel distracted between 2 and 3 in the afternoon, turn your phone off from 1 to 4. That creates a natural barrier that stops you from slipping into old patterns.

Pleasure, addiction, and chasing women

When you think about sex, the initial thought is exciting. But once you actually start the act, many men discover they are not really enjoying it. This is because the mind has been tricked. What you are really chasing is the dopamine spike that comes from the fantasy.

It is the same mechanism as porn addiction. You think you want the video, but what you are hooked on is the dopamine release. Afterward, you feel drained, guilty, and empty. Chasing women without purpose works the same way.

If you can learn to distinguish between the fantasy and the reality, you gain control. Instead of letting your imagination and sexual urges lead you, you lead yourself. That is where real freedom begins.

Why chasing women blocks intimacy

Another reason chasing women leaves you feeling empty is because it blocks intimacy. When you are only focused on getting the hookup, you never give yourself the space to build a deeper connection.

Intimacy is not just sex. It is sharing thoughts, emotions, laughter, and moments of vulnerability. If you are constantly chasing the next woman, you skip over this stage completely. You end up collecting encounters rather than experiences, which is why nothing feels memorable.

In fact, many men tell me they cannot even recall the details of past hookups. The reason is simple: the brain does not store meaningless interactions. It only remembers things that carry emotional weight. If you want experiences that last, you need to move away from chasing women and toward genuine intimacy.

The mindset shift that changes everything

Here is the biggest shift you can make: stop thinking about sex as the end goal. Instead, view sex as an extension of the connection you build with a woman.

This is where most men get it wrong. They try to force intimacy instead of allowing it to grow. When you chase, you create pressure. And when there is pressure, women pull back. But when you remove the agenda, when you genuinely enjoy the moment and the person in front of you, intimacy happens naturally.

Think of it as pulses of energy rather than a straight line toward orgasm. Attraction grows in waves. If you can enjoy the rhythm instead of rushing to the finish line, you will notice your relationships change overnight.

A new way forward

So, what does this mean for you in practical terms?

Notice your patterns – Pay attention to when you feel the urge to chase women. Is it when you are bored? Lonely? Stressed? Awareness is the first step to change.
Redirect your energy – Channel your sexual urges into something meaningful: martial arts, creative projects, deep work, or physical training that requires focus.
Slow down your interactions – When you meet a woman, instead of jumping to “How do I get her number?”, focus on having a real conversation. Enjoy the interaction for its own sake.
Reframe your goal – Make your mission to give value. When you bring energy, humor, and presence into a woman’s life, you stand out without even trying.

Final thoughts

At the end of the day, chasing women is not about women at all. It is about you, your energy, and your lack of direction. When you redirect that energy into meaningful pursuits and real intimacy, you no longer feel empty. Instead, you feel fulfilled.

Sex is meant to be enjoyable, but if you are experiencing emptiness afterward, it is a sign you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Stop chasing women. Start building connections. That is where the real satisfaction lies.