How to Attract Women: The Definitive Guide From a Dating Coach
If you want to learn how to attract women, stop looking for one clever line, one body-language trick or one psychological technique.
Attraction is bigger than that.
After coaching men in the real world for years, I have found that most dating problems begin much earlier than the conversation itself.
A man might ask:
- How do I create sexual attraction?
- What should I say to women?
- How do I become more confident?
- How do I stop getting friend-zoned?
- How do I make women more interested in me?
But there is another question I normally want answered first.
How many women are you actually meeting?
If the answer is hardly any, everything that comes afterwards becomes harder.
- You become too invested in one woman.
- You worry about losing her.
- You become careful with what you say.
- You monitor every text message.
- You agree when you want to disagree.
- You chase because you do not know when another opportunity will appear.
This is what I call dating starvation.
And the first step in learning how to attract women is to get yourself out of it.
How Attraction Actually Works
Attraction is not something you force onto another person.
Your job is to create enough opportunities for women to meet the real version of you, then behave in a way that allows mutual attraction to develop.
That requires several things working together:
- Meeting enough women.
- Being comfortable around attractive women.
- Expressing your personality.
- Showing romantic intent.
- Having opinions and boundaries.
- Creating some emotional energy rather than endless polite conversation.
- Giving women the opportunity to invest in you.
- Walking away when the interest is not reciprocal.
None of these behaviours guarantees that a particular woman will be attracted to you.
That is not how attraction works.
People have individual preferences.
Research into mate choice and sexual selection also shows that attraction and partner choice are complex processes involving variation, preferences and signalling rather than one universal attractive characteristic. You can read an academic overview in this review of mate choice and sexual selection.
The practical implication is simple.
Stop trying to become attractive to every woman.
Become a man who creates enough opportunities to find the women who respond positively to him.
Step 1: Build Your Dating Funnel
If you are not meeting enough women, I would not start by teaching you advanced flirting.
I would fix your environment.
Your dating funnel is the number of opportunities entering your dating life compared with the number that eventually turn into conversations, dates and relationships.
Imagine a funnel.
At the top are all the women you meet.
Further down are the women you actually speak to.
Then:
- The women you find attractive.
- The women who are attracted to you.
- The women you exchange details with.
- The women you date.
- The women you discover are genuinely compatible with you.
If almost nothing enters the top of the funnel, you cannot expect much to come out of the bottom.
This sounds obvious.
Yet I meet men who expect an extraordinary dating life while meeting one new woman every two months.
Why Meeting Too Few Women Creates Pressure
Imagine you meet one woman you really like every six months.
Suddenly that interaction carries enormous importance.
Your mind starts telling you:
- Do not mess this up.
- Do not say anything controversial.
- Make sure she likes you.
- Do not lose her.
- Say the right thing.
That pressure changes your behaviour.
You stop expressing yourself and start managing her perception of you.
Now imagine that attractive women are a normal part of your week.
- You speak to women in coffee shops.
- You meet people through friends.
- You attend social environments.
- You start conversations during your normal day.
The individual interaction stops feeling like your final opportunity.
That makes it much easier to relax.
The first principle of attraction is therefore not complicated:
Create more opportunities.
The Three Levels of Your Dating Funnel
I want you to look at your week and separate your opportunities into three categories.
1. Places You Go By Yourself
These are normal everyday environments.
- Coffee shops.
- Bookshops.
- Shopping areas.
- Galleries.
- Parks.
- Supermarkets.
- Your commute.
- Dog walks.
You do not need anybody to organise these opportunities for you.
You can start today.
This is also why I teach daygame and meeting women during everyday life.
You are no longer waiting for Saturday night or for somebody else to introduce you.
2. Groups and Social Activities
Your second category involves environments where you repeatedly see people.
- Classes.
- Sports.
- Interest groups.
- Private members’ clubs.
- Professional events.
- Friends’ gatherings.
- Social clubs.
These environments expand your network.
They also give women more time to experience your personality rather than judging everything from one five-minute conversation.
3. Large Social Environments
The final layer includes environments with a high volume of people.
- Large events.
- Festivals.
- Conferences.
- Busy social venues.
- Exhibitions.
- Parties.
- Travel.
These environments create volume.
The objective is not to desperately speak to every woman in the room.
It is to build a life where meeting new women is normal.
I have put together a separate list of the best places to meet women outside bars and clubs if your current routine is giving you very few opportunities.
Directed Action: Audit Your Dating Funnel Today
Do this now.
Open your calendar and look at the next seven days.
Count how many genuine opportunities exist for you to meet somebody new.
If the answer is almost zero, add:
- Two solo environments.
- One group environment.
- One larger social environment.
Do not spend another week studying attraction while living a life where attraction has almost no opportunity to happen.
Step 2: Learn to Approach Women
Creating the environment is only the beginning.
You still have to act.
A man can walk past hundreds of attractive women every week and technically meet none of them.
This is where a lot of men become stuck.
They see somebody.
They hesitate.
They think.
Then the opportunity disappears.
If this is your problem, start with my complete guide on how to approach women.
The goal initially is not to be impressive.
It is to become a man who acts.
Practise:
- Walking over.
- Making eye contact.
- Starting the conversation.
- Staying present.
- Accepting whatever response comes back.
You become more comfortable around women by spending more time interacting with women.
Not by thinking about interacting with them.
Step 3: Stop Trying to Get Every Woman to Like You
Once you are meeting enough women, the next problem often becomes approval seeking.
- You see somebody you like and immediately start editing yourself.
- Your genuine opinion disappears.
- Your boundaries soften.
- You become easier to please.
- You think this will increase attraction because there is less chance of conflict.
Often it does the opposite.
If you continually adjust yourself to match her, she never gets to meet you.
Disagree When You Disagree
This is one of the simplest behavioural changes you can make.
When a woman says something you disagree with, do not automatically:
- Nod.
- Smile.
- Agree.
- Change your opinion.
- Try to maintain perfect harmony.
Tell her what you actually think.
You can say:
- “No, I see that differently.”
- “I don’t agree with that.”
- “You’ve lost me there.”
- “I agree with the first bit, but definitely not the second.”
No anger.
No performance.
Just difference.
If you find yourself constantly agreeing with women you find attractive, read my guide on why men avoid disagreeing with women they like.
Step 4: Learn to Say No
Your ability to say no tells me a lot about your dating confidence.
If you cannot say no because you fear losing a woman’s approval, she becomes more important than your standards.
That is the wrong hierarchy.
Say no when you mean no.
For example:
- Do not agree to plans you dislike just because she suggested them.
- Do not pretend to like something because she likes it.
- Do not tolerate behaviour you would reject from anybody else.
- Do not make yourself endlessly available.
The point is not to manufacture rejection.
The point is that your preferences still exist when an attractive woman enters the room.
If you struggle with this, read my full guide on how to say no to women and build respect.
Step 5: Stop Acting Like a Friend When You Want Something Romantic
This is where attraction and connection often get confused.
Connection matters.
- You want empathy.
- You want trust.
- You want to enjoy talking to each other.
But if everything you communicate is calm, supportive, agreeable and platonic, do not be surprised when the relationship becomes calm, supportive, agreeable and platonic.
Romantic attraction needs additional information.
- She needs to know you see her as a woman rather than another friend.
- There needs to be some flirting.
- There needs to be difference.
- There needs to be some willingness to risk rejection.
- Your intentions cannot remain hidden forever.
This is why I tell men to stop secretly wanting romance while openly behaving like a friend.
My complete guide on how to avoid the friend zone explains how to change this dynamic.
Step 6: Create Emotional Movement
Think about the conversations that instantly feel platonic.
They often sound like interviews.
What do you do?
Where are you from?
How long have you lived here?
Do you have brothers and sisters?
Nothing is technically wrong with those questions.
But attraction is not generated by collecting enough biographical information.
A good conversation moves.
It contains:
- Humour.
- Difference.
- Stories.
- Opinions.
- Playfulness.
- Challenge.
- Moments of connection.
- Moments of tension.
You are trying to create an experience, not conduct an interview.
Sexual Tension Does Not Mean Being Sexual
Men often hear the phrase sexual tension and assume they need to start saying sexual things.
You do not.
Sexual tension can come from emotional charge.
That can include:
- Eye contact.
- Playful disagreement.
- Teasing.
- Holding your position.
- Acknowledging mutual attraction.
The important part is that you are paying attention to her response.
If she engages, smiles, challenges you back and contributes to the interaction, there may be something to explore.
If she withdraws, becomes uncomfortable or shows no interest, change direction or end the interaction.
Attraction is reciprocal.
You can read more in my guide on how to create sexual tension in conversation.
Step 7: Give Women Your Number Instead of Always Taking Theirs
This is one of the techniques I use because it gives you useful information.
A lot of men collect phone numbers.
Then they go home and start:
- Messaging.
- Following up.
- Trying again.
- Wondering why she has not replied.
- Trying to restart dead conversations.
You may technically have her number.
But you still do not know whether she is interested.
Try reversing the process.
Give her your number.
Then continue with your life.
If she messages you, she has taken a small action to continue the connection.
That gives you information.
You are not trying to manipulate her into chasing you.
You are allowing space for reciprocal investment.
Stop Using Social Media as a Safety Net
I also do not like men automatically asking women for Instagram after meeting them.
It can create another layer of ambiguity.
Now you are:
- Watching her stories.
- Liking posts.
- Sending reactions.
- Keeping weak interactions alive for months.
None of that necessarily tells you whether she wants to date you.
If you want to date somebody, create a dating interaction.
Give her an opportunity to contact you.
Make a plan.
Meet.
Then judge the connection based on what actually happens between you rather than what happens on Instagram.
Step 8: Look for Investment Rather Than Chasing
Men who struggle with attraction often spend too much time asking:
“How do I make her like me more?”
I want you asking:
“What is she doing that tells me she is interested?”
Look for reciprocal behaviour.
- Does she ask you questions?
- Does she contribute to the conversation?
- Does she message you?
- Does she make herself available?
- Does she suggest alternatives if she cannot meet?
- Does she flirt back?
- Does she seem pleased to see you?
One behaviour does not prove attraction.
Look for patterns.
Your job is not to drag a reluctant person through the dating process.
Give her an opportunity.
Then see whether she moves towards you too.
Step 9: Improve Your Physical Presentation
Attraction is not only conversation.
Your appearance communicates before you say anything.
You do not need to become a fashion model.
But remove unnecessary disadvantages.
- Wear clothes that fit your body.
- Choose a hairstyle that suits you.
- Take care of your skin and teeth.
- Train your body.
- Stand upright.
- Wear clean shoes.
- Choose clothes intentionally rather than wearing whatever happens to be clean.
This is directed action.
If your wardrobe is poor, book time this week to fix it.
If you have not exercised for two years, start.
If you have had the same haircut since 2007, reconsider it.
Do not turn appearance into another six-month research project.
Make improvements and return your attention to meeting people.
Step 10: Have a Life Worth Inviting Someone Into
Some men try to make women the centre of their life before they even have a dating life.
That creates dependency.
Your life should already contain things that matter to you.
- Work you care about.
- Friends.
- Interests.
- Fitness.
- Projects.
- Places you enjoy.
- Plans for the future.
You do not build these things as a performance for women.
You build them because they give your life direction.
Then when you meet somebody, you are inviting her into a life that is already moving.
You are not asking her to become the movement.
Confidence With Women Comes From Evidence
Men often tell me they want to become confident before they start meeting women.
I teach the reverse.
Take action first.
Confidence follows evidence.
- You walk over to a woman and survive the nerves.
- You do it again.
- You have a good conversation.
- You get rejected and realise you are fine.
- You meet someone who likes you.
- You become better at flirting.
- You start trusting yourself.
That is where real confidence comes from.
If fear is stopping you from creating opportunities, read my guide on how to approach women without fear of rejection.
The Biggest Mistakes Men Make When Trying to Attract Women
Trying to Impress Her
When you try too hard to impress somebody, your attention moves away from discovering whether you actually like her.
You start performing.
Instead, remain curious.
Attraction involves two people evaluating each other.
Meeting Too Few Women
This is the mistake underneath many others.
If your entire dating life depends on one woman replying, you will struggle to remain relaxed.
Fix the top of the funnel.
Hiding Your Opinions
Agreement may protect you from a moment of tension.
It also hides who you are.
Acting Like Her Therapist
Emotional connection is useful.
Becoming an unlimited listening service while hiding your romantic intentions is not.
Chasing Unclear Interest
If you continually have to persuade somebody to reply, meet or engage, pay attention to the information you are receiving.
Redirect your energy towards women who reciprocate.
Trying to Use Techniques Without Building a Life
No conversational technique can permanently compensate for having:
- No social life.
- No direction.
- No boundaries.
- No interests.
- No opportunities to meet people.
Fix the foundation.
What Do Women Find Attractive in Men?
There is no list that applies to every woman.
But in my coaching, the characteristics that repeatedly improve men’s dating lives include:
- Self-confidence: you can express yourself without requiring constant approval.
- Direction: your life is moving somewhere.
- Social confidence: you can speak to new people.
- Boundaries: you can say no.
- Individuality: you have your own opinions and tastes.
- Playfulness: interaction with you contains energy.
- Emotional control: rejection or disagreement does not destroy your composure.
- Presentation: you take care of yourself.
- Intent: you are not afraid to show that you are interested.
The mistake is trying to fake these qualities for one evening.
Develop them through behaviour.
How to Attract Women Without Chasing Them
Do more at the beginning.
Then watch what comes back.
You can:
- Start the conversation.
- Flirt.
- Give her your number.
- Suggest a date.
- Make your intentions clear.
Then allow her to participate.
You do not need to keep applying pressure to keep the interaction alive.
Mutual attraction becomes much easier to recognise when you stop doing all the work.
Your 14-Day Attraction Action Plan
Do not finish this article and return to exactly the same routine.
Use the next two weeks to change your behaviour.
Days 1 to 3: Fix the Funnel
- Audit your normal week.
- Identify where you could realistically meet women.
- Add two solo environments.
- Add one group activity.
- Add one large social event.
Days 4 to 6: Become Social
- Start three conversations each day.
- Speak to men and women.
- Practise eye contact.
- Stop walking around staring at your phone.
Days 7 to 9: Approach Women You Find Attractive
- Walk over before you have constructed the perfect sentence.
- Start a genuine conversation.
- Notice when you begin seeking approval.
- Express an opinion.
Days 10 to 11: Practise Difference
- Say no when you mean no.
- Disagree when you disagree.
- Stop automatically mirroring opinions.
Days 12 to 13: Introduce Attraction
- Flirt.
- Hold eye contact.
- Use playful conversation.
- Give your number to a woman you genuinely want to see again.
Day 14: Review the Funnel
Do not judge your success only by how many dates you got.
Ask:
- How many new women did I meet?
- How many conversations did I start?
- How often did I act despite nerves?
- Did I express my personality?
- Did I hide my attraction?
- Did I chase women who showed little interest?
- Where does my funnel break down?
That final question matters.
- If you meet nobody, fix your environment.
- If you see women but never approach, work on approach anxiety.
- If you approach but conversations are flat, work on communication.
- If women like you but only as a friend, work on expressing attraction.
- If you exchange details but never get dates, examine how you are closing interactions and whether the interest was reciprocal.
Diagnose the weakest stage rather than assuming you are simply “bad with women”.
Frequently Asked Questions About How to Attract Women
What is the best way to attract women?
The best starting point is to create enough opportunities to meet women, become socially confident and allow your genuine personality and romantic intent to be visible. Attraction cannot be guaranteed, but increasing opportunities and improving how you communicate gives you far more chances to meet women where the interest is mutual.
How can I become more attractive to women?
Work on areas you control:
- Your physical presentation.
- Your social life.
- Your confidence starting conversations.
- Your ability to express opinions.
- Your boundaries.
- Your communication skills.
- The direction of your life.
Then spend enough time meeting women for those qualities to be experienced.
Can attraction be learned?
You cannot learn a technique that forces somebody to become attracted to you. You can develop behaviours that make you more confident, expressive, socially capable and comfortable with intimacy. Those changes can have a significant effect on your dating results.
Why do I become nervous around attractive women?
Often the interaction has become too important in your mind. If you rarely meet women you find attractive, one encounter can feel unusually high-stakes. Increasing your social exposure and repeatedly taking action helps make attractive women a normal part of your social world rather than a rare event.
Should I take a woman’s number or give her mine?
My preferred strategy is often to give her your number. If she contacts you, you immediately have evidence that she has chosen to continue the interaction. It reduces the temptation to chase weak interest.
Should I follow women on Instagram after meeting them?
I generally prefer moving towards real interaction rather than creating months of ambiguous social-media contact. If there is mutual interest, exchange details, arrange to meet and discover whether the connection works in person.
How do I attract a woman who only sees me as a friend?
You cannot guarantee that a friend will become romantically attracted to you. What you can do is stop hiding your intentions, stop behaving in a purely platonic way when that is not what you want, express your personality and give her the opportunity to respond. If she only wants friendship, respect that answer.
The Definitive Principle: Build Options, Then Be Yourself
If I had to reduce this entire guide to one system, it would be this:
- Meet enough women.
- Start conversations.
- Express yourself rather than seeking approval.
- Create connection and attraction.
- Give women an opportunity to invest.
- Pay attention to reciprocity.
- Move towards women who move towards you.
The man who meets one woman every six months has to protect every opportunity.
The man with a healthy dating funnel can be honest.
- He can disagree.
- He can say no.
- He can express attraction.
- He can risk rejection.
- He can walk away from poor treatment.
- He can choose rather than simply hope to be chosen.
That is the real connection between meeting enough women and becoming more attractive.
Options give you the freedom to behave like yourself.
So stop waiting until you feel attractive enough.
Take action.
- Go somewhere today.
- Start conversations.
- Meet more women.
- Practise expressing yourself.
- Watch who responds positively.
- Build from there.
You do not learn how to attract women by reading indefinitely.
You learn by getting back into the world and allowing women to meet you.
Written by Gary Gunn
About the advice in this guide
I have coached men in real-world dating situations since 2008. The principles in this guide come from thousands of hours spent coaching men as they approach and speak to women in everyday situations, including cafés, shops, streets, bars and other social environments.
This advice is based on what I have seen work in real interactions, not theory alone.
The aim is to help you start taking action and improving your results immediately.
