How to Take Women Off Autopilot in Conversation

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

16 August 2025

In today’s video, I’m going to teach you how to take women off autopilot in conversation.

There’s nothing more frustrating than being in conversation with a woman you like and she starts looking at her phone. She starts looking around. And then she goes, “I’ve got to go.” You can feel her edging away.

This is within your power to change.

Most women that you meet will be on autopilot when you first meet them, which means they’re running on the general themes of day-to-day life. What am I having for dinner? When am I seeing my mum next? What am I wearing on Saturday night?

All of these thoughts are running on autopilot. And when you speak to a woman, the chances are she’ll only ever be half listening to you.

This is important for two reasons.

First, understanding this means you can change the way you communicate.

Second, you must adopt the mentality that you have to take her off autopilot or she will not be romantically interested in you.

The only reason a woman comes off autopilot instantly is if she is instinctively attracted to a guy at the start. But that happens a lot less than you think.

Therefore, you must approach your dating life assuming you have to take women off autopilot.

In this post, I’m going to show you the three most powerful ways to do that. These come from behind the scenes of my dating confidence courses. If you want me to teach you this stuff, go ahead and book a consultation call and I’d be happy to talk about how I can improve your dating life.

Let’s break this down.

Table of Contents

1. Use Contrast

The first method to take women off autopilot is using contrast.

This one’s a little more complex, but very powerful. If I meet a woman in conversation and she asks me what I do for a living, I could just say, “I’m a coach,” or “I’m a content creator.” But none of those answers are emotionally engaging. They’re flat.

What is important for her to know is not just what I do. It’s the mindset behind how I live my life.

So instead of giving a boring answer, I use contrast.

I say something like, “You know when you have to get up Monday to Friday and your boss tells you what to do, and then you get paid at the end of every month?” She usually responds, “Yeah, I know that feeling.”

Then I say, “I don’t do that.”

That creates a contrast. I’ve just created intrigue. I’ve shown her that what she does, I don’t do. Now she’s paying attention. She’ll usually follow with, “Well, what do you do then?”

Now I say, “I have my own business. I’ve learned how to work for myself. I get up when I want. I don’t answer to anyone.”

That’s a lot more compelling than “I’m a coach.” It’s confident. It’s different. And most importantly, it takes her off autopilot.

You can use contrast in any part of your dating life. It doesn’t have to be about work.

Let’s say she asks you what type of exercise you do. You could say, “I do high rocks.” But again, that’s boring.

Instead, say: “Most people go to the gym and just do group classes so they don’t have to think.” She’ll likely agree. Then say: “I don’t do that. I go my own way.”

That contrast makes you seem like a maverick. Like someone who forges his own path. That is attractive.

It doesn’t matter what the contrast is. What matters is that you create one.

2. Use a Heart Rate Monitor Model

The second way to take women off autopilot is to use what I call the heart rate monitor.

Most women will be on a flat emotional line when you speak to them. Just like a flat line on a heart rate monitor.

Your goal is to get them off that line. And you can do that in two directions.

You can go up by teasing or flirting. Or you can go down by connecting through negative emotions.

Flirting and teasing is playful. It breaks rapport. You say “no” when she expects “yes.” You push and pull. You create fun tension.

Connecting through negative emotions means you talk about what’s hard in life. You share real things. You become human.

When you oscillate between the two — playful highs and emotional lows — she feels something. She becomes present. She comes off autopilot.

And if you’re speaking to women in the real world, this is how you build something meaningful. Romantic or otherwise.

3. Introduce Mystery

The third way to take women off autopilot is with mystery.

This is an older technique I’ve taught for many years. And although I coach more advanced material now, this still works unbelievably well.

Let’s say a woman asks, “What do you do for a living?”

Instead of answering directly, say, “What do you think I do?”

When you make someone guess, they become fully present. They’re no longer thinking about dinner or their weekend plans. They’re focused on you.

That’s the power of mystery. It forces presence.

Taking women off autopilot means creating moments where she feels something different. Something unusual. Something real.

And that’s what I teach.

Why Women Stay on Autopilot

Most of the time, when you approach a woman during the day or even on a date, she’s not consciously trying to ignore you. She’s simply caught in the momentum of her own life.

Work, errands, notifications, plans, distractions. All of it keeps her in her head.

That’s why it’s not enough to just “be nice” or “make small talk.” If you don’t break through that autopilot mode quickly, she will either walk away or mentally check out of the interaction.

This is why you must assume from the beginning that she is on autopilot. Your job, if you want to create connection, is to take her off it.

You Can Learn to Take Women Off Autopilot

Taking women off autopilot is a skill.

It’s not about being born charming or having some gift that other men don’t have. It’s about knowing what actually creates emotional engagement in conversation.

You don’t need to perform. You don’t need to impress her with stories. You just need to wake her up to the moment she’s in with you.

That’s it.

And the tools I shared earlier — contrast, the heart rate monitor model, and mystery — are some of the most powerful methods I’ve discovered for doing exactly that.

Recap: Three Tools That Work

Let’s quickly go over the three tools again so you can start implementing them right away.

Contrast: Say what most people do first, then contrast it with how you do things differently. This catches her attention and makes you stand out immediately.
Heart Rate Monitor: Go up by flirting, go down by connecting over negative emotions. The goal is to create emotional variation, not stay on a flat line.
Mystery: Make her guess. Make her think. Instead of answering questions directly, throw one back at her in a playful way. It shifts her attention and forces presence.

Each of these takes her out of her head and brings her into the moment with you.

What Happens When You Get This Right

When you learn to take women off autopilot consistently, everything changes.

Your conversations go deeper.

You stop getting flaked on.

You stop hearing “I have to go” halfway through talking.

Women stop scrolling their phones when you speak. They start leaning in. They start engaging. They remember you — not because you were flashy, but because you made them feel something real.

This is what makes you different from every other guy she meets.

And if you’re serious about getting better at this, you can absolutely learn how to do it with practice and the right coaching.

Don’t Try Too Hard to Impress Her

One of the biggest mistakes men make is trying too hard to impress women with stories, accomplishments, or interesting facts.

That might hold her attention for a minute, but it doesn’t take her off autopilot.

Why? Because she’s heard it before.

Trying to impress someone keeps you locked in your head. You’re focused on performance, not connection. And when you’re performing, she can feel it — and it often pushes her further away.

To take women off autopilot, you need to shift your focus.

Instead of trying to be interesting, aim to be emotionally engaging. Ask yourself: “Am I speaking in a way that’s waking her up from the default setting of her day?”

If the answer is no, stop what you’re doing and apply one of the tools — contrast, mystery, or heart rate — right there in the moment.

Make Her Feel Something Real

Taking a woman off autopilot is about triggering a real emotional response.

That could be curiosity, attraction, playfulness, or vulnerability. You want her to stop and actually feel something — not just process words.

This is why flirting, teasing, storytelling with contrast, and sharing grounded emotional truths work so well. They’re not just informational — they’re experiential.

When she feels, she connects. When she connects, she stays. And when she stays, the potential for something real opens up.

The Fastest Way to Improve

If you’re reading this thinking, “I get it, but how do I actually do this when I’m nervous or overthinking?” — that’s normal.

This takes real-world practice.

Learning to take women off autopilot is like learning to play a musical instrument. It’s awkward at first. You hit a few wrong notes. But over time, it becomes second nature.

You start seeing it click. You approach a woman and you see her posture shift. Her eyes light up. She starts laughing or opening up emotionally — and you realize she’s no longer on autopilot.

That’s when you know it’s working.

Avoid Generic Questions

A major reason why women stay on autopilot during conversation is because most men ask the same predictable questions.

“What do you do for work?”
“Where are you from?”
“Do you come here often?”

These questions are fine to start with, but they rarely move the conversation forward. They don’t make her feel anything. They’re easy to answer without thinking — which means she’s still on autopilot.

Instead, ask questions that require thought or spark emotion.

Examples:

“What’s something you’ve done recently that surprised even you?”
“What kind of person were you in school?”
“What do you wish more people understood about you?”

These types of questions break the pattern and create emotional engagement. They take women off autopilot by forcing her to reflect, feel, and actually share something real with you.

Your Energy Sets the Tone

Another overlooked factor is your energy. If you’re speaking with low energy, monotone delivery, or you’re disconnected from your own body, there’s no way she’ll come off autopilot.

You must be present first before she can be.

Women are intuitive. If you’re not fully grounded, they’ll pick up on it and mirror your energy back. That’s why some conversations feel flat, even when the words are “correct.”

So before any conversation, take 10 seconds to slow your breathing, get into your body, and remember the simple goal: presence over performance.

You’re not trying to say the perfect thing. You’re trying to create a moment she feels.

Build Real Connection

Taking women off autopilot isn’t about gimmicks. It’s about making her feel seen and understood.

That might mean asking an unexpected question. It might mean teasing her with a smirk. It might mean telling a story with contrast. Or it might mean sharing something personal that invites her to do the same.

Whatever the path, the goal is the same — to create a deeper level of connection than what she experiences with most men.

And once you learn how to consistently take women off autopilot, your dating life changes. You stop chasing attention and start creating attraction naturally.

Use Mystery Sparingly but Powerfully

We touched on this earlier, but it’s worth repeating. Creating mystery is one of the fastest ways to take women off autopilot — when used correctly.

The key is not to be evasive or manipulative. It’s about inviting curiosity.

When a woman asks you a standard question like, “What do you do?” and you say, “What do you think I do?” you’re creating a pause. That pause interrupts her pattern and forces her to engage her imagination.

That moment — when she’s guessing and wondering — is when she becomes present.

Mystery makes conversations more playful. It creates intrigue. And most importantly, it makes you stand out.

Balance Is the Goal

When you learn how to take women off autopilot, you start to notice a shift. Conversations become more dynamic. You’re not performing or overthinking. You’re just being real — and inviting her to be real with you.

But remember, you’re not trying to entertain her every second. The goal is to create space for both emotional highs and quiet connection. That’s where real attraction lives.

So, keep these three techniques in your back pocket:

Contrast
Heart rate monitor
Mystery

And use them when you notice the conversation drifting into autopilot territory.

Final Thoughts

Most men never realize this is even a problem. They think a woman getting bored or distracted is just bad luck. But once you understand the mechanics behind autopilot — and how to interrupt it — you’ll never go back to stale conversations again.

The best part? This doesn’t just improve your dating life. These tools make you more present, more engaging, and more grounded in every interaction you have.

If you’ve ever felt like you were saying the right things but not getting a real response, now you know why. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being different. It’s about making her feel something.

And it all starts when you take women off autopilot.