How to Control Your Sexual Energy: The Real Key to Power and Focus
I was in London yesterday and this absolutely smoking hot woman walks onto the tube and smiles at me. I’m sat next to one of my clients who’s on one of my courses. I’m teaching him how to approach women during the day.
The question I have for you is this. Did I approach her or not?
From my point of view, there’s a bit of pressure. Clients there. Busy people on the tube. Do I want to risk potential failure?
In fact, I’m going to give you a completely different way of looking at that situation.
My name is Gary Gunn and I’m a professional dating coach.
Let’s get into this.
Are You Influenced by Women or in Control of Yourself?
If you are a guy who is easily influenced by a woman’s beauty, if you lose control when you see her, you are never going to be successful in your dating life.
It is true that guys who are influenced by women are more likely to start more conversations, be more sociable, and meet more women. But let me tell you where that ends.
It ends in failure.
You might even know men like this in your life. Guys who look like they’re doing well with women. They’re smiling. They’re having fun. Everything looks like it’s going great. But when it comes down to it, they can’t get a relationship. They can’t even get a short-term hookup.
If this sounds like you, I’m going to show you exactly how I work with my clients to solve this issue.
Why Every Man Struggles to Control Sexual Energy
This is such a big issue for every single guy on the planet. It’s not just you.
We live in a world where there are attractive women everywhere, often wearing minimal clothing. If you go to a gym, women are likely to be working out in the smallest possible outfits. You scroll social media and it’s the same thing.
The issue for you and me and every other man is that we have an instinctive response to signs of youth and beauty.
How this plays out in real life is simple. You see attractive women on billboards, in the street, at the gym, or online. It stimulates your brain. It leads to a lack of focus. And you lose your self-control.
At its worst, it turns into porn addiction. It turns into endless social media scrolling. It might even lead you to come across as creepy around women.
Because when you lose control and don’t know how to handle that energy, the outcomes in your dating life are disastrous.
Why This Is the Most Important Dating Advice You’ll Hear
I would go as far as to say that this is the most important topic I have ever spoken about in my career.
If you are struggling with your sexual urges and want to know how to control your sexual energy, there are practical tools you can use that actually work.
I’m also going to share a few that don’t work as well. Because in this space, the advice often sounds good, but it’s just not practical.
If you type this topic into a chatbot, you’ll get generic advice that sounds great but doesn’t help in the real world.
By the end of this post, I’ll also tell you whether or not I spoke to the woman on the tube.
How to Control Your Sexual Energy with a Buffer
What happens is you have a stimulus, which is seeing an attractive woman. And then you have a response. If you’re influenced by beauty, your response is uncontrolled energy. You’re distracted. You can’t relax. You lose focus.
What you need is a buffer.
So instead of jumping from stimulus to response, you insert a buffer. And that buffer is where the magic happens. That buffer is how you start to gain control over your sexual energy.
Buddhist Techniques for Controlling Sexual Urges
Let’s talk about one method I’ve tried. A Buddhist principle.
Most men are addicted to specific parts of a woman’s body. The part they find most attractive.
The Buddhist method is to visualize that part. Then visualize going past the skin and seeing her internal organs. The idea is that if you break the attachment, you are no longer controlled by her beauty.
Now, this can work. It’s not easy. It takes time. And it goes in cycles. I’ve found it useful, but it doesn’t give you the full picture.
Cold Showers and Ice Baths: Helpful But Limited
Another solution that people talk about is taking cold showers or ice baths.
I do them. I’m a fan. They can help.
But they are not the best solution for how to control your sexual energy. Because even after your ice bath, you go back into a world filled with visual stimulation.
Cold water can help reset you. But it doesn’t fix the root of the problem.
Why Stoicism is a Better Philosophy for the Real World
This is why I believe stoic principles are better.
Buddhism is about detaching from the world. Removing desire. Going into isolation.
But stoicism is about being in the fire and not getting burned. It’s about being surrounded by attractive women and not being influenced by them.
That is a much more practical approach if you want to control your sexual energy and still live in the real world.
Using Stoic Principles to Take Control of Sexual Energy
Here’s one of the key stoic principles I teach my clients when they want to know how to control their sexual energy. It’s about managing your emotional response to external stimuli.
Let me explain it like this. If you see a woman and your entire mood shifts, you’ve lost control. You’ve gone from being composed and focused to needy and reactive.
Stoicism teaches you to pause. To insert that buffer. You still see her beauty. You still feel attraction. But you are not moved by it. You are in control.
This might sound abstract, but it’s very real. It just takes practice.
And let me give you a practical tool you can use right away.
Train Your Mind to Respond Instead of React
The next time you see an attractive woman and you feel a surge of energy, try this.
Close your mouth and breathe through your nose. Then take your tongue and press it against the roof of your mouth. This slows your breathing down and calms your nervous system.
What you’re doing is teaching your body that you don’t need to react with desperation. That you are calm and present.
This may seem small. But over time, it adds up. It rewires your brain and body. And this is one of the keys to how to control your sexual energy.
Reframe the Stimulus and Break the Pattern
Another thing that helps is a reframe.
Instead of thinking, she’s so hot, I need to talk to her now, change your internal language. Try this instead.
She’s beautiful. And I’m curious about her character.
That one shift gives you control.
You’re no longer reacting to beauty. You’re deciding whether she’s someone you’d actually want in your life.
It puts you in a position of power.
It also helps you notice when you’re attracted to women who are actually not right for you. Maybe they’re too young, or too chaotic, or have nothing in common with you. But because you’re reacting from desire, you’re not seeing clearly.
The Real Reason Most Men Can’t Focus
When your mind is filled with uncontrolled sexual energy, you can’t focus. You open your laptop to do work and you’re distracted. You go to the gym and you’re not present. You talk to a woman and you’re nervous and overthinking.
This energy bleeds into every area of your life.
That’s why this isn’t just a dating problem. It’s a life problem.
Learning how to control your sexual energy will increase your productivity, sharpen your focus, and improve your relationships.
You’ll stop wasting time on things that don’t serve you. You’ll stop chasing women who don’t add value to your life.
Instead, you’ll start building something real.
Be Honest About Your Triggers
If you really want to gain control over this area of your life, you have to be honest about your triggers.
Maybe it’s scrolling Instagram. Maybe it’s watching YouTube shorts. Maybe it’s seeing women at your gym or on your commute.
You can’t change what you don’t track.
Start writing down when you get triggered. Not to judge yourself. Just to be aware. Awareness is the first step to mastery.
You’ll begin to see patterns. You’ll understand when your energy dips or spikes. And once you have that data, you can start to make better choices.
Transmute Your Sexual Energy Into Power
Here’s the most exciting part. You can actually take that sexual energy and use it to fuel your goals.
Sexual energy is powerful. It’s creative. It’s driven. And when you know how to redirect it, you become magnetic.
You start to walk differently. Speak differently. You radiate a quiet confidence that people feel.
This is what high performers do. Whether it’s athletes, entrepreneurs, or artists, they all understand this.
They know how to channel that energy into their craft. Into their mission. Into building something meaningful.
So What Happened With the Woman on the Tube?
Let me circle back to the woman who smiled at me on the tube.
Here’s what I did.
I smiled back.
I looked away.
I carried on with my conversation.
And that was it.
Why?
Because I was with my client. I was there to serve him. Not to chase beauty. Not to prove something.
That moment was a test of control. A chance to apply what I’m sharing with you here.
I felt the surge of energy. I acknowledged it. And I redirected it back into the task at hand.
That’s how you win. Over and over again. Quietly. Internally. Without needing validation from anyone else.
Final Thoughts on How to Control Your Sexual Energy
This is not about suppressing your sexuality. It’s about mastering it.
It’s about becoming a man who chooses rather than reacts. Who leads rather than chases. Who builds rather than scrolls.
If you’re serious about this, there are levels to unlock. But it starts with awareness. With taking one moment at a time and making better decisions.
You don’t need to go to a monastery.
You just need to start where you are.
Written by Gary Gunn
Gary Gunn is an internationally accredited coach with 17 years of experience coaching single men.
He has spent years creating proven, real world systems that help men meet, attract and date the women they desire. He is also the best selling author of a book on confidence and dating.
Gary has taught in over 30 major cities worldwide and has coached more than 1,200 men globally through group courses, video coaching and one to one training.
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