Four Dating Struggles Of Highly Intelligent Men

Four Dating Struggles Of Highly Intelligent Men

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

In this article, I am going to go through the common dating struggles of highly intelligent men. I will be covering the fundamental reasons why you may find it difficult to connect with, not only with women you are attracted to but with people more generally.

Included here:

  • Vital conversational techniques to improve your ability to understand and connect with women (that work)
  • Personal steps you can take to help increase your confidence (immediately)
  • Bonus ways to meet like-minded women (and develop your own interests)

Having a general understanding of the aspects of dating that you struggle with and, moreover, taking an active interest in remedying them will help you have better social connections and personal relationships as you go through life.

You can also transform your dating life with our digital products and coaching courses.

Is it harder for intelligent men to find a partner?

It can be harder for intelligent men to find a partner due to their tendency to overanalyse everything. In brief, this means being predisposed towards overthinking situations and fixating on certain thoughts or concerns.

If you are a smart guy, chances are that you think about issues more deeply than the majority of people.

Overanlysing situations

Most people in life are so busy trying to keep up with the pace of a capitalist society that they find it difficult to have the time to think about things deeply. Whereas because you are intelligent you have the brainpower to be able to give things some considerable thought.

This particular dating struggle comes when you are trying to connect and have a conversation with women because you are oscillating at different levels. You may be thinking in a much deeper way and instead, she could be more matter of fact. This is not always true, but it is often the case in my experience of working with intelligent guys.

However, one immediate way to help remedy this tendency is by learning how to meditate.

Slow down your thinking

By learning how to meditate you will teach yourself what it is like to slow down or, in other words, to calm your inner voice. You will find this truly valuable in improving your dating life as well as enhancing the general interactions with the people you encounter day-to-day.

When you are speaking to women having the ability to be more calm and centred and less affected by your inner dialogue is indispensable.

Slowing down your inner voice will:

  • Put your life correctly in the centre
  • Give you notable rest from your overactive mind
  • End that chasing mindset and allow things to flow towards you

Do intelligent men struggle to find a relationship?

Intelligent men can struggle to find a relationship as often do not demonstrate enough empathy when speaking to women.

Because you are oscillating at different levels (which I spoke about earlier), as a general rule this can make it harder to find any commonalities with everyday people that you meet seeing as your thought processes are deeper.

Ways to demonstrate empathy

When it comes to speaking to members of the opposite sex that you find attractive being able to connect and show that you really understand her view of the world is crucial.

One significant way to show that you have the ability to connect in this manner is to demonstrate empathy. Being able to demonstrate empathy builds the first foundations of trust and will enhance your social interactions.

I am going to briefly go through three ways that will help you learn how to grasp this. This will revolutionise the way that you speak to women.

Use echos

The first way is to simply echo back the last few words that a woman says to you. For example, if she says: “I just went shopping today and bought a really nice pair of shoes.”

You echo back: “A really nice pair of shoes.” She will say yes and nod and then provide you with more information.

In effect, what you have demonstrated here is that you have actively listened to her and that you understand her.

Use reflections

The second way is with a reflection. With a reflection, you take what a woman says and simplify it back into one short phrase. For instance, if a girl says to you: “I love training at the gym and I love the endorphins.”

You respond: “You love training at the gym because of the endorphins.” So you feel (insert emotion) because of (insert reason).

Behavioural psychologists use this technique in therapy because it allows you to understand and connect with someone. You simply take what they say and you make it succinct in one sentence. If you get it right, the person will say yes and nod in agreement. If you get it wrong, they will shake their head and give you more information and you can then have another go at reflecting back.

This is a very powerful communication tool that will help you to connect with everyone that you meet.

Use deeper reflections

The third way you can demonstrate empathy is you take what a woman says and you reflect back a layer deeper. Having intelligence is an advantage here because it is something that most guys are not able to do unless they are smart.

For instance, if a girl says: “I’m doing an Open University mathematics degree, I’m going to climb Mount Everest, and I’m also doing my level three personal training.” You could use an echo or a reflection as outlined above – and both of those are powerful – or you could think about why a girl would be pursuing all of these three things? What is her motive? Think about the reason behind her words.

You can then say something like: “You really struggle with boredom.” She will either say yes and nod and talk more on the subject or she will answer no and give you more information.

If she says: “No, I don’t really get bored. I just feel great when I do these things and feel terrible when I don’t.” You can then have another go and say: “You don’t feel validated enough in life.” What will happen is the girl will typically pause when you hit the nail on the head and think about it. She may respond: “Oh my God, how did you know that? That’s amazing.”

Benefits of using reflections

Using reflections in your general dialogue:

  • Helps you to successfully connect with women
  • Demonstrates positive qualities like empathy and intelligence
  • Ensures that you have more memorable and interesting conversations

Why is it harder for intelligent people to find love?

It is typically harder for intelligent people to find love as they do not spend enough time socialising with others, meaning that they may not be as versed at understanding the nuances and subtleties of social dynamics and may also lack confidence in social situations.

Socialise with others

My experience of very smart individuals is that they really struggle to connect with people because they do not spend enough time doing it in the real world.

The remedy for this one is simple and yet so effective: less time studying and reading and more time spent in the presence of women. It does not need to be a long time – an hour a day perhaps, but go out and socialise.

Pros of socialising

This is something that you are going to have to put effort into, yet spending time socialising with men and with women will:

  • Improve your social intelligence
  • Enhance your emotional intelligence
  • Positively impact your whole life for the better

Do intelligent people have a harder time dating?

Highly intelligent people can have a harder time dating as are often more cerebral in their outlook. This means that their decisions and actions are based on intelligence and logic rather than from emotion.

Consequently, it can be more difficult for highly intelligent people to fully understand and connect with a woman in general conversation.

Hiding behind intelligence

Moreover, some men may even hide behind their intelligence and academia and use it as protective armour. An example of this would be if a girl asks you: “Did you watch this show on TV?” A lot of smart guys may immediately reply: “I don’t watch TV.”

Answering abruptly like this may be for different reasons. Perhaps it is important for you to let her know that you do not watch TV. Or perhaps you simply do not know what else to say.

However, what you have done here is:

  • Hit her kill switch
  • Created an unnecessary barrier between you
  • Taken the conversation flow and ended it early

Show emotional intelligence

When you are speaking to people, especially those with emotional intelligence, you do not want to hit their kill switch. All this serves to do is halt the conversation straight away and makes the other person feel guarded towards you.

Instead, if that person is excited about something, you want to go with that conversational flow. So a better option would be to say: “Oh, what is it you like about that show?”

If you are talking to a woman and all of a sudden she shuts down, think about what you just said. Chances are, you have just hit her kill switch in some way.

How to meet like-minded intelligent women?

The best place to meet like-minded intelligent women is through intellectual pursuits and online forums that you, yourself, have an interest in.

Follow your interests

In effect, this could mean going to forums where other smart people are talking about niche areas that you have knowledge of. It could be making contributions, writing articles or being part of that industry for example. Or it could be joining a social or interest group that specialises in a subject that you want to pursue or has a cause that you would like to endorse.

In taking this action what will happen is you will meet other people who could put you in contact with other like-minded intelligent women. Or potentially you could meet someone through this pursuit.


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  • Overanalysing everything. The remedy for this is meditation to calm your inner voice.
  • Not showing enough empathy. Resolve this by learning to demonstrate empathy using echoes, reflections and emotional connections.
  • Not enough time spent socialising. The solution for this is to spend more time socialising; even an hour a day would make a notable difference to your life.
  • Hiding behind your academia. The remedy for this is to avoid hitting a woman’s kill switch. Instead, learn to continue the flow of a conversation.

Written by Gary Gunn

Gary Gunn is a trained coach, accredited therapist and best selling author. He offers proven, evidence-based dating advice for single men.

He has hosted over 1,000 in-person dating confidence courses across the UK and Europe, as well as over 1,500 online courses.

As the head coach at Social Attraction, he leads the team and oversees the training and courses provided, helping countless men transform their dating lives.
Dating Coach