How to Hold Eye Contact With Women Without Being Creepy

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

31 October 2025

In today’s post, I’m not going to give you surface-level advice on how to hold better eye contact with women you find attractive. The truth is there is one word you need to learn and understand. That word is shame.

Many men watch videos online and believe the only way to hold better eye contact with women is to force it or hold it for as long as possible. The problem with this is that it comes across as inauthentic and even creepy. The only way to hold better eye contact with women you like is to overcome something called toxic shame.

I’ve overcome toxic shame myself, and I’ve been coaching men for 17 years to do the same. What I want to share with you here is not just theory, but a practical way to begin dealing with it so you can genuinely improve.

Table of Contents

What Shame Really Means

If you ask 10 experts, you’ll probably hear 10 different definitions of shame. My view is simple. Shame is an emotion designed to keep your sexual urges in order.

If you feel no shame at all, you might act recklessly, not caring about your body or boundaries. On the other hand, if you feel too much shame, you might avoid intimacy altogether, struggle to hold eye contact, or even find yourself unable to approach women at all.

Shame is not inherently bad. If your internal level of shame is between a three and a six, it is healthy. But once it rises above that, it can become toxic. When it reaches a seven, eight, nine, or ten, it takes over your life.

Struggling to hold eye contact with women you find attractive is only one signpost of this deeper issue. Forcing yourself to stare harder won’t help. You need to address the root.

How I Work With Clients on Shame

When I work with clients, I often run a simple classroom exercise. I ask one of my coaching assistants, usually an attractive woman, to stand at the front. Then I invite my client to walk up to her.

If my client struggles with shame, he will usually stop about three meters away. If he’s more confident, maybe two meters. Then I ask him to hold a normal conversation while I observe whether he maintains eye contact both when speaking and when listening.

This shows me how intense his level of shame is.

From there, I guide him through specific techniques to reduce the hold shame has over him.

Step One: Gradual Exposure

The first technique is straightforward. I ask my clients to hold eye contact, then move slightly closer until they feel uncomfortable. Once they’re at that edge, I ask them to stay there until they begin to feel more at ease.

Then, we repeat the process. Step closer, hold eye contact, wait until the nervousness reduces.

This is powerful, but often not enough by itself.

Step Two: Bilateral Stimulation

When exposure alone isn’t effective, we add bilateral stimulation. This involves wearing headphones that play music oscillating from one ear to the other.

The process replicates how your brain works during sleep, activating both hemispheres and calming your nervous system. When clients do this while practicing eye contact, they often feel calmer and ready to take another step forward.

Step Three: Revisiting the First Memory

Sometimes even bilateral stimulation doesn’t fully work. In that case, I ask clients to reflect on the first time they remember feeling that sense of shame while keeping the bilateral music on.

This exercise often reveals childhood memories of feeling caught, embarrassed, or as if they had done something wrong. These memories get trapped in the nervous system and continue to influence how they feel today.

By calming the nervous system during this recall, clients begin to reprocess these old experiences and loosen the grip of toxic shame.

Why Eye Contact Is Only the Start

Not being able to hold better eye contact with women is just the surface. Shame also shows up when moving toward intimacy.

Are you comfortable going for a first kiss, or do you second-guess yourself because you feel it might be wrong? Do you think women must be treated like princesses, putting them on a pedestal instead of connecting as equals?

These thought patterns are also driven by shame. They create hesitation, and hesitation turns women off.

The same is true when starting conversations. If you feel like you are interrupting or doing something wrong, that’s shame at work.

Practical Tools You Can Try

If you struggle with this, here are three ways to start working on it:

Read books or listen to audiobooks on shame and toxic shame. Expanding your knowledge is the first step to changing.
Try bilateral stimulation music while practicing eye contact. Notice how you feel and trace back to earlier times when that discomfort first appeared.
In social settings, stand just a little closer than you normally would with a woman you like. Hold her eye contact for just a little longer before breaking away. Over time, this small practice builds confidence.

If you feel uncomfortable trying this alone, consider working with a therapist. An EMDR therapist, in particular, can guide you through these exercises safely and effectively.

A Real Client Story on Overcoming Approach Anxiety

One of my clients is currently doing 12 days of one-to-one training with me. This is one of my advanced programs where we go deep into approaching, connecting, and building attraction with women.

Last week in London, we spent a day practicing daytime approaches. In a single day, he approached 23 or 24 women. Before this, he had never approached a woman in his entire life. He had lived with severe approach anxiety for years.

That in itself was a huge breakthrough. But yesterday he messaged me with a new question. He said, “How do I continue a conversation? I can now start one, but sometimes it falls flat.”

This illustrates an important truth. Once you break through one barrier, another presents itself. First, it was the crippling anxiety of even starting. Now it was learning how to keep the momentum and continue.

That is exactly how growth works. Once you face one fear and move past it, the next stage becomes visible.

The Layered Nature of Growth

This process applies to almost every area of life, not just dating.

Think about traveling. If you live in one place your whole life and at age 40 you take your first trip abroad, the experience is eye-opening. Suddenly, you realize there are thousands of places you could visit.

The same happens when you read your first life-changing book. One book opens a doorway to hundreds of others.

It is also true in social confidence. The first conversation you start with a woman feels impossible at first. But once you do it, you begin to see the possibilities behind it.

This is what Buddhists refer to as living through your karma. You want to do something, you take the action, and through that experience you learn how you really feel.

How Shame Holds You Back

Toxic shame plays a role in why these steps feel so difficult. It stops you from even trying.

If you cannot hold better eye contact with women, it usually means shame is active in your nervous system. You feel like you are doing something wrong, as though approaching her or even looking at her in that way is unacceptable.

This shame is not just about eye contact. It bleeds into starting conversations, holding physical space confidently, making a move to kiss, and even expressing your genuine interest.

When you hesitate, women sense it. Hesitation communicates uncertainty, and uncertainty is unattractive.

Practical Advice to Build Confidence

Here are some actionable steps if you want to learn how to hold better eye contact with women and reduce the influence of shame in your life.

Start with small adjustments. Next time you are in a social setting, stand a little closer than feels natural and hold eye contact a little longer before looking away.
Practice bilateral stimulation on your own. Play music that moves from one ear to the other while imagining yourself looking into a woman’s eyes. Notice where discomfort arises.
Trace that discomfort back to earlier experiences. If you can remember the first time you felt that uneasiness, you can begin to process it.
If you struggle, reach out to an EMDR therapist. They specialize in using bilateral stimulation to reprocess old memories and reduce the grip they have on your nervous system.

These steps sound simple, but they work. Confidence is built gradually, through repetition and exposure.

Why Generic Advice Doesn’t Work

You might have seen online advice that tells you to hold eye contact longer, stare more, or refuse to look away first. While that might sound like a quick fix, it is not sustainable.

If you are forcing it, you will come across as awkward or even creepy. The woman will sense the tension behind your stare.

The real solution is not to fake it, but to address the shame that prevents you from feeling at ease in the first place. When you are relaxed inside, your eye contact naturally feels grounded, warm, and attractive.

That is why working on shame is so powerful. It not only improves how you look at women but also how you move through the world in every situation.

The Bigger Picture

Eye contact is just one part of human connection. Once you begin to feel more comfortable with it, you will notice other areas of your dating life also improve.

You will start conversations more easily, you will flirt more naturally, and you will know when to move closer physically. The hesitation that used to hold you back will begin to dissolve.

Toxic shame is not something you can eliminate overnight. But by working on it gradually, you change your entire trajectory.

Taking the Next Step

If you are serious about learning how to hold better eye contact with women and building overall confidence, the first step is awareness. Recognize that shame may be playing a role in your struggles.

The second step is to take action. Whether that means practicing the small exercises I outlined, trying bilateral stimulation, or working with a professional, you must do something concrete to move forward.

And the third step is repetition. Confidence is not built in a single day. It comes from consistent practice, facing the discomfort repeatedly until it no longer controls you.

The Deeper Impact of Toxic Shame

When you struggle with shame, it is not only about eye contact. It influences every single area of your dating and social life.

If you feel uncomfortable looking into a woman’s eyes, that discomfort will also show up when you try to touch her hand for the first time. It will be there when you consider leaning in for a kiss. It will stop you from confidently holding a conversation or making your intentions clear.

Shame tells you that you are doing something wrong even when you are not. It makes you hesitate, second-guess, and pull back just when you should be leaning in.

This is why learning how to hold better eye contact with women is about much more than looking into their eyes. It is about reclaiming your confidence and learning to trust yourself again.

Small Shifts That Lead to Big Results

The mistake many men make is trying to fix everything at once. They push themselves too hard, force eye contact, or try to play out an alpha persona they do not really feel inside.

What works far better are small, consistent shifts.

For example, next time you are in conversation with a woman, simply add one or two extra seconds of eye contact before you look away. Do this again and again until it feels normal.

The same applies to physical space. If you normally stand two meters away, move in just a few inches closer. That slight adjustment will trigger discomfort at first, but over time you will adapt.

By practicing in these micro steps, you build tolerance. This is the safest and most sustainable way to grow your confidence without overwhelming yourself.

Why Authenticity Is More Attractive

Women can sense authenticity. If you are trying to hold eye contact by forcing it, she will pick up on the tension. It may feel stiff or unnatural, and instead of feeling attraction she may feel uneasy.

But when you are genuinely comfortable, your eye contact communicates warmth, certainty, and presence. That kind of eye contact is naturally attractive.

This is why removing shame matters. Once shame is reduced, authenticity comes forward on its own. You are not acting. You are simply being yourself, without the heavy weight of judgment holding you back.

Eye Contact and Emotional Connection

When you learn how to hold better eye contact with women, you unlock a deeper way of connecting. Eye contact is not just about attraction. It is also about communication.

Think of times when someone truly listened to you. They probably held your gaze while you spoke, which made you feel seen and valued. Women experience the same thing.

If you can hold eye contact comfortably while she speaks, she feels understood. That emotional connection can be even more powerful than your words.

This is why it is worth investing the time to get this right. You are not just improving a dating skill. You are strengthening how you connect with people overall.

Exercises You Can Try Today

Here are some exercises that you can practice on your own or in everyday situations to get better at holding eye contact with women.

Mirror practice: Stand in front of a mirror and look into your own eyes. Hold the gaze for 30 seconds. Notice any discomfort and keep breathing until it fades.
Friendly conversations: Practice maintaining eye contact with friends, family, or colleagues. Use these safe interactions to build comfort.
Step closer challenge: In your next interaction, stand just slightly closer than usual and hold eye contact longer than you normally would.
Bilateral stimulation practice: Listen to alternating sounds through headphones while thinking about moments when you felt judged or uncomfortable. This can help calm your nervous system.
Storytelling with eye contact: When you tell a story, hold her gaze through the key parts. This helps keep her engaged and strengthens the connection.

These simple exercises can create powerful results when done consistently.

The Role of Therapy and Coaching

If shame is deeply rooted, you may need external support. Therapists who specialize in EMDR or trauma can help you process old memories that are stored in your nervous system.

Coaching can also make a big difference. Having someone guide you step by step, hold you accountable, and push you past your comfort zone is invaluable.

Many of my clients make breakthroughs faster in a few days of coaching than they did in years of trying on their own. That is because shame thrives in isolation. Once you bring it into the open and start working on it with guidance, it begins to lose its grip.

A New Way of Seeing Yourself

Ultimately, learning how to hold better eye contact with women is about much more than attraction. It is about how you see yourself.

If you walk through life avoiding eye contact, it sends a message to your own mind that you are not confident, that you are hiding something. Each avoidance reinforces the feeling of shame.

But each time you hold eye contact with presence, even for a second longer than before, you build a new self-image. You begin to see yourself as someone who is calm, confident, and capable.

Over time, this shift changes how women see you too. They feel your grounded energy. They respond to your presence. And they naturally become more open to connecting with you.

Real Client Transformations

I want to share a few examples from clients who struggled with shame and difficulty holding eye contact. These stories will show you how change happens and how quickly progress can be made when you apply the right techniques.

One client I worked with had avoided eye contact his entire life. He told me that when a woman looked at him, he would instantly glance away because it felt like she could see all of his flaws. We started small. First, he practiced holding eye contact with strangers while ordering coffee. He would keep his gaze for just a second longer than usual. Within a few weeks, he felt far more comfortable.

The breakthrough moment came when he was talking to a woman he found very attractive. Instead of looking away, he held her gaze, smiled, and kept the conversation flowing. He later told me it felt like the first time in his life that he was truly present with a woman. That one change created a ripple effect, and his confidence grew in every other part of his dating life.

Another client had a history of rejection that left him feeling ashamed. Each time he thought about approaching a woman, his mind replayed the memories of being ignored or brushed off. During our coaching sessions, we worked on reframing those memories and practicing bilateral stimulation exercises to calm his nervous system. After a few weeks, he no longer froze up when making eye contact. Instead, he started seeing each interaction as a fresh opportunity rather than proof that he was not good enough.

Why Progress Often Feels Uncomfortable

If you are learning how to hold better eye contact with women, you need to understand that discomfort is part of the process. When you first start, your body will resist. You may feel anxious, your eyes might dart away, and you may even feel exposed.

This does not mean you are failing. It means you are stepping outside your comfort zone. Growth always comes with a degree of discomfort. The key is to lean into that feeling without overwhelming yourself.

Think of it like lifting weights at the gym. The first time you pick up a barbell, it feels heavy and awkward. But the more you practice, the stronger you get. The same principle applies here. Each time you hold eye contact a little longer, you build emotional muscle.

How Women Interpret Eye Contact

Eye contact sends powerful signals. Women pick up on those signals in seconds, and they use them to gauge your confidence, authenticity, and intentions.

If you cannot hold eye contact, a woman might assume you are insecure or hiding something. On the other hand, if you stare too intensely without warmth, it can come across as aggressive or uncomfortable.

The balance lies in steady, relaxed, and friendly eye contact. When you look into her eyes while smiling, you show confidence without pressure. You show that you are comfortable in your own skin, and that comfort makes her feel at ease too.

How to Blend Eye Contact with Conversation

Learning how to hold better eye contact with women is not about staring silently. It works best when paired with engaging conversation.

For example, while telling a story, hold eye contact through the key parts, then naturally glance away when you recall a detail or pause to think. This rhythm feels natural and keeps the interaction flowing.

You can also use eye contact to emphasize connection. If she shares something personal, hold her gaze a little longer and nod as she speaks. This shows you are truly listening and creates a deeper bond.

Another simple trick is to finish your sentences while holding eye contact. This signals that you are confident in what you are saying and that you are not afraid of her response.

The Long-Term Benefits of Eye Contact

The benefits of learning how to hold better eye contact with women extend far beyond dating. Once you master this skill, it carries over into your career, friendships, and social life.

In job interviews, steady eye contact communicates confidence and competence. In group settings, it shows leadership and presence. In friendships, it makes people feel valued and respected.

When you build this ability, you are not just improving one part of your life. You are strengthening the foundation of how you connect with everyone around you.

Combining Eye Contact with Other Signals

Eye contact is powerful on its own, but when you combine it with other nonverbal signals, the effect multiplies.

Your body language plays a big role. Standing tall with open posture reinforces the confidence your eyes communicate. A relaxed smile adds warmth and friendliness. Subtle gestures, like leaning in slightly when she speaks, show genuine interest.

When all of these elements work together, women experience you as confident, authentic, and engaging. This creates attraction naturally, without needing cheesy lines or forced routines.

Why Consistency Beats Intensity

Many men make the mistake of overcompensating. They try to hold intense eye contact in one interaction, hoping to change everything at once. The problem with this approach is that it feels unnatural and unsustainable.

What works far better is consistency. Practice holding eye contact for a few seconds in every interaction, whether it is with a barista, a cashier, or a colleague. Each repetition strengthens your ability. Over time, it becomes second nature.

When you finally talk to a woman you are truly attracted to, you will not need to fake confidence. It will already be part of who you are.

Final Thoughts on Breaking Shame and Building Confidence

At the heart of all this is shame. If you struggle to hold eye contact with women, it is usually because shame is telling you that you are not good enough, that you will be judged, or that you are unworthy.

The way forward is to challenge that voice, step by step. Hold eye contact a little longer. Stay present when you feel uncomfortable. Learn to smile through the tension. Each of these small wins chips away at shame and builds a stronger version of you.

As you continue practicing, you will notice a shift. What once felt terrifying will start to feel natural. What once made you shrink back will now give you energy. This is the transformation that happens when you commit to learning how to hold better eye contact with women.