Relationship Trouble Red Flags | Don’t Commit Too Soon
Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction
Red Flags show potential trouble in a relationship and aren’t just caution signs—they’re your survival guide to dodging emotional wreckage.
Let’s face it: dating is a jungle, and if you’re not sharp, you’ll end up with someone else’s emotional ATM or personal therapist. Here’s the brutal truth:
A lack of empathy means they’ll drain you dry without a second thought.
Different core values? Might as well throw your future in a shredder.
Controlling behaviour? Say goodbye to your freedom and self-respect.
Spot these red flags fast, cut your losses, and move on. You’re not here to fix anyone—you’re here to win. Let’s dig into how to stay in control and avoid becoming another casualty in the dating game.
If you’re ready to rebuild true confidence — not just fake bravado — Gary Gunn’s coaching for men is the best place to start.
In dating, building a meaningful connection requires understanding and support. If your potential partner shows little interest in your feelings or dismisses your struggles, it’s a clear dating red flag.
A lack of empathy suggests they may struggle to form a deep emotional connection, which is essential for a healthy, long-term relationship.
Scenario: Brushing Off Your Emotions
You share a personal challenge, like a stressful day at work, and instead of offering support, they respond with indifference or shift the focus back to themselves.
For example, you say, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed,” and they reply, “Everyone has bad days; you’ll get over it,” or, “That’s nothing compared to what I’m dealing with.” This lack of concern is a huge red flag.
How to Spot This Red Flag
Ask questions that reveal their ability to connect emotionally and show compassion. Their answers can help you gauge their capacity for empathy.
Red Flag Questions to Ask:
“How do you usually support someone when they’re feeling down?”
“What’s your take on sharing emotions in a relationship?”
“Tell me about a time when you helped a friend through a tough situation?”
Interpreting Their Responses
Pay close attention to whether their answers indicate care and understanding:
Red Flag Response: “I’m not good at dealing with other people’s emotions,” or, “I think people should handle their problems on their own.”
These responses show a lack of emotional awareness and an unwillingness to connect on a deeper level.
Green Flag Response: “I try to listen and be there for them,” or, “I think sharing emotions is important for building trust and connection.”
These responses reflect empathy and a readiness to create a strong emotional connection.
Example Conversation
You: “I’ve been feeling really stressed about work lately.”
Potential Partner (Red Flag Response): “That’s just life; everyone gets stressed. You’ll figure it out.”
You: Recognising this as a big dating red flag, address it calmly. “I was hoping for a little more understanding—supporting each other is important to me.”
You: “I’ve been feeling really stressed about work lately.”
Potential Partner (Green Flag Response): “That sounds tough. Do you want to talk about it? I’m here to listen.”
Why It Matters
Empathy is the foundation of any strong romantic relationship. A lack of it can lead to an unbalanced and emotionally unfulfilling connection, making this a critical red flag to identify early.
By recognising and addressing this warning sign, you can protect your emotional health and prioritise partners who demonstrate empathy and care. Green flags, such as active listening and genuine concern, are key to creating a healthy and lasting long-term partnership.
Red Flag 2: Different Core Values
In dating, shared values lay the foundation for a strong and lasting romantic relationship. Significant differences in life goals, religion, or family values are a clear dating red flag. These discrepancies can create conflict and lead to long-term incompatibility, making it difficult to build a healthy and fulfilling future together.
Scenario: Values Clash
Imagine your potential partner envisions a lifestyle that doesn’t align with your own. For instance, they might express disinterest in having children when family is a priority for you, or they may have strongly different religious beliefs that could complicate future plans.
These differences, if unresolved, are the biggest red flag for your relationship’s longevity.
How to Spot This Red Flag
Ask open-ended questions that delve into their core beliefs and life goals. This will help you identify whether your values are aligned.
Red Flag Questions to Ask:
“What are your long-term goals for your career and family life?”
“How important is religion or spirituality in your daily life?”
“What does a successful relationship look like to you?”
Interpreting Their Responses
Listen carefully for signs of compatibility or significant differences in their answers:
Red Flag Response: “I don’t really think about long-term goals; I just live in the moment,” or, “I couldn’t imagine compromising on my beliefs, even for someone I love.”
Indicates a lack of alignment and potential difficulty navigating differences.
Green Flag Response: “I want a partner who shares similar goals, like building a family,” or, “While I have my beliefs, I’m open to finding common ground.”
Reflects flexibility and compatibility, which are essential for a long term relationship.
Example Conversation
You: “How do you feel about having a family someday?”
Potential Partner (Red Flag Response): “I’ve never really wanted kids, and I don’t think I ever will. It’s just not for me.”
You: Identifying this as a huge dating red flag, respond honestly. “Family is really important to me, so it seems like we might have different visions for the future.”
You: “How do you feel about having a family someday?”
Potential Partner (Green Flag Response): “I’d love to have a family, but I think it’s important to plan and make sure both partners are on the same page.”
Why It Matters
Differences in core values, if unresolved, can create recurring conflicts and prevent the development of a strong emotional connection. Recognising this relationship red flag early ensures you avoid investing in a connection that lacks long-term potential.
Instead, by concentrating on green flags, such as shared goals and a willingness to compromise, you will build a long-term relationship that aligns with your vision for the future.
A partner who respects your values and works toward common goals is essential in achieving this.
Red Flag 3: Unwillingness to Compromise
In dating, flexibility and collaboration are crucial for building a strong romantic relationship. A potential partner who insists on always having their way is displaying a clear dating red flag.
Moreover, this behaviour signals a lack of respect for mutual decision-making, which may create tension and prevent the relationship’s long-term success.
Scenario: “My Way or the Highway”
You and your partner are discussing weekend plans. You suggest going to a new restaurant, but they dismiss your idea and insist on their own preference without considering yours.
They might say, “I just don’t like trying new places—let’s stick with what I like,” or, “If you cared about me, you’d go along with my plans.” This is a huge red flag that reveals a reluctance to compromise.
How to Spot This Red Flag
Ask questions that explore how they handle decisions and differing opinions. Their responses will reveal whether they value mutual input or are focused solely on their own preferences.
Red Flag Questions to Ask:
“How do you usually handle disagreements in a relationship?”
“What’s your approach to making decisions as a couple?”
“How important is it for you to find a balance in shared plans?”
Interpreting Their Responses
Their answers will provide insight into their willingness to compromise:
Red Flag Response: “I think it’s easier if one person takes the lead and makes the decisions,” or, “I know what I like, and I don’t see why that should change.”
These responses suggest an unwillingness to accommodate your needs and preferences, which will lead to frustration and imbalance.
Green Flag Response: “I think it’s important to meet in the middle so both people feel heard,” or, “I’m always open to discussing options and finding something we both enjoy.”
Reflects a healthy approach to mutual decision-making, which is key for a long-term relationship.
Example Conversation
You: “I’d love to try that new Italian place this weekend.”
Potential Partner (Red Flag Response): “I’m not really into Italian food, so let’s go to my favourite spot again. It’s just easier.”
You: Recognising this as a big dating red flag, respond assertively. “It’s important to me that we both get to share our preferences. Let’s find something we both like.”
You: “I’d love to try that new Italian place this weekend.”
Potential Partner (Green Flag Response): “That sounds great! I’m not a huge fan of Italian, but I’d love to give it a try with you.”
Why It Matters
A relationship where one person always insists on having their way lacks the balance and mutual respect needed for a healthy, long-term relationship.
Recognising this red flag early allows you to prioritise partnerships that thrive on collaboration and mutual give-and-take.
Therefore in dating, focus on green flags, like a willingness to compromise and respect for shared decision-making as these qualities create trust, deepen the emotional bond, and lay the groundwork for a strong, lasting connection.
Red Flag 4: Dishonesty or Frequent Lies
In dating, honesty is the cornerstone of trust. If your potential partner frequently tells white lies, exaggerates, or demonstrates outright dishonesty, it’s a clear dating red flag.
This behaviour can undermine trust, making it impossible to build a healthy, sustainable relationship. As a relationship expert, I guide my clients to spot and address dishonesty before it erodes the foundation of their connection with any partner.
Scenario: Spotting the Lies
You’re getting to know someone, and they share stories that don’t quite add up. Maybe they tell you they’re at work but post photos from a party, or they claim to have accomplished something extraordinary, but the details feel inconsistent. These are potential red flags of a dishonest nature.
How to Spot This Red Flag
Ask questions that require consistency and clarity to test their honesty. Pay attention to whether their answers shift or contradict previous statements.
Red Flag Questions to Ask:
“What’s the most recent project you worked on?”
“How do you usually spend your weekends?”
“What’s something about you that most people don’t know?”
Interpreting Their Responses
Look for signs of inconsistency or avoidance in their answers:
Red Flag Response: “Oh, I work on so many projects, I lose track,” or, “Why are you asking so many questions? Don’t you trust me?”
These responses suggest they’re deflecting or struggling to keep their story straight.
Green Flag Response: “I just finished a project on [specific topic],” or, “I usually spend my weekends hiking or catching up with friends.”
Clear and consistent answers show honesty and openness, crucial for a long-term relationship’s success.
Example Conversation
You: “What did you do last weekend?”
Potential Partner (Red Flag Response): “Oh, nothing much, just stayed home.” Later you see a social media post showing them at a concert.
You: Recognising this as a big dating red flag, calmly address it. “I thought you said you stayed home? It’s important for me to feel we’re being honest with each other.”
You: “What did you do last weekend?”
Potential Partner (Green Flag Response): “I went to a concert with some friends. It was a last-minute plan—do you like live music?”
Why It Matters
Trust is the bedrock of any romantic partnership. A partner who lies, even about small things, creates an environment of doubt, which will result in feelings of stress and frustration.
Spotting and addressing this relationship red flag early protects your emotional well-being and sets the stage for a transparent and fulfilling long term relationship.
So look for green flags like honesty, consistency, and a willingness to communicate openly—they’re essential for building a strong and lasting connection and future together.
Red Flag 5: Overly Controlling Behaviour
In a new relationship, mutual respect and trust are essential. If your partner starts dictating your social life, appearance, or personal decisions, it’s a major red flag.
This type of behaviour often stems from insecurity and can lead to an unhealthy relationship or even emotional abuse. As a relationship expert, I help my clients identify this warning sign and set firm healthy boundaries.
Scenario: Controlling Your Choices
Imagine your potential partner criticises your outfit, questions who you’re spending time with, or pressures you to change your plans to suit their preferences.
They might say, “Why would you wear that? It doesn’t look good on you,” or, “I don’t like you hanging out with them; they’re a bad influence.” These comments, while subtle at first, are a big red flag of controlling tendencies.
How to Spot This Red Flag
Use targeted questions to uncover how they view autonomy and decision-making in a romantic relationship.
Red Flag Questions to Ask:
“How do you feel about your partner having friends of the opposite sex?”
“What’s your opinion on making joint versus individual decisions in a relationship?”
“How do you react when your partner disagrees with you?”
Interpreting Their Responses
Their answers will help you identify whether their behaviour aligns with a healthy relationship:
Red Flag Response: “I think partners should run all decisions by each other,” or, “If you really care about me, you’d prioritise my opinions.”
These statements reflect a desire for control and a lack of trust.
Green Flag Response: “I think it’s important to support each other’s decisions, even if they’re different,” or, “Having independence makes the relationship stronger.”
Shows emotional maturity and respect for your autonomy.
Example Conversation
You: “I’ve made plans with my friends for Friday night.”
Potential Partner (Red Flag Response): “You’re always choosing them over me. If you loved me, you’d stay home instead.”
You: Recognising this as a huge red flag, respond firmly. “Spending time with friends is important to me. A healthy relationship supports personal connections outside of the relationship.”
You: “I’ve made plans with my friends for Friday night.”
Potential Partner (Green Flag Response): “That sounds fun. Let’s catch up another time—I’m glad you’re spending time with your friends.”
Why It Matters
Overly controlling behaviour erodes trust and can lead to an abusive relationship. It’s a common red flag that often escalates if left unaddressed. Identifying this relationship red flag early enables you to establish clear boundaries and protect your emotional well-being.
By focusing on green flags—such as mutual respect and a balance of independence—you can build a healthy, long-term relationship based on trust, understanding, and emotional security.
Conclusion
Red flags aren’t just cute quirks you can excuse—they’re ticking time bombs waiting to blow up your peace of mind. Ignore them, and you’ll be neck-deep in regret while they’re out there treating you like a life coach, a wallet, or both. Let’s lay it bare:
No empathy? You’re a convenience, not a priority.
Clashing values? Your future’s already a write-off.
Control freak? Kiss your independence goodbye.
You’re not here to play rehab or rescue—this is survival, and you need to spot the danger and bail before it’s too late. Think you’ve seen the red flags but aren’t sure how to dodge the fallout?
Click here to book your free 45-minute consultation call with me. We’ll find your dating blind spots, slice through the BS, and arm you with the tools to take back control so that you enter any new relationship with a more informed and positive mindset.
Stop wasting your life on people who’ll suck the soul out of you. Cut the dead weight, get smart, and start building the life—and the relationship—you deserve. Your time is valuable; don’t let anyone make you question that.
13 Red Flags in Relationships by Dr. Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, available on Verywell Mind. This resource identifies behaviours such as constant criticism and disregard for boundaries, offering advice on how to respond to these red flags.
10 Relationship Red Flags by Dr. Abigail Brenner, published in Psychology Today. This article outlines common warning signs, such as poor communication and lack of trust, that may indicate an unhealthy relationship.
6 Potential Red Flags in a New Relationship by Dr. Samantha Stein, featured in Psychology Today. This piece discusses behaviours like excessive jealousy and controlling tendencies, providing guidance on recognising and addressing these issues.
Written by Gary Gunn
Gary Gunn is a trained coach, accredited therapist and best selling author. He offers proven, evidence-based dating advice for single men.
He has hosted over 1,000 in-person dating confidence courses across the UK and Europe, as well as over 1,500 online courses.
As the head coach at Social Attraction, he leads the team and oversees the training and courses provided, helping countless men transform their dating lives.
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