Beat The Fear Of Approaching Women | Coaches Anxiety Playbook

Beat The Fear Of Approaching Women | Coaches Anxiety Playbook

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

In this article, you’ll learn how to conquer the fear of approaching women you find attractive.

Whether it’s due to social anxiety, fear of rejection, or low self-esteem, you can develop the confidence needed to take action.

To do this, I’ll share three powerful stories of clients who attended my dating confidence courses and illustrate how they overcame their fear of speaking to women, building both courage and self-confidence in their dating lives.

You will:

  • DISCOVER – Real-life stories of men who successfully overcame approach anxiety.

  • MASTER – Practical techniques that make approaching women feel achievable and manageable.

  • BUILD – The skills needed to create a strong and resilient mindset for dating success.

Importantly, these stories will provide you with wisdom and insights to help you conquer your own fear of approaching women, reduce social anxiety, and develop a stronger mindset for approaching beautiful women.

You can also transform your dating life with our digital products and coaching courses, whether you’re tackling anxiety, developing social skills, or trying to make meaningful connections with the opposite sex.


Fear of Approaching Women Defined


The fear of approaching women is often caused by an underlying sense that you could be rejected, embarrassed, or just a feeling of low self-esteem, commonly called approach anxiety.

This specific phobia can manifest as extreme anxiety or even panic attacks when faced with the prospect of approaching a beautiful woman.

Common Causes of Approach Anxiety

  • STOP – Worrying about being turned down or ignored. The Fear of Rejection

  • CHALLENGE – Fear of Embarrassment and concerns about making mistakes and being judged.

  • OVERCOME – Low Self-Esteem, a lack of belief in your worth or attractiveness.

  • BEAT  – Societal Pressure: Pressure to perform or fear of social scrutiny can exacerbate hesitation, especially in social situations involving the opposite sex.

Benefits of Beating Approach Anxiety

  • GOODLeads to greater ease in social interactions.
  • GOODBreaks the cycle of fear and hesitation, replacing it with proactive behaviour.
  • GOODEnables forming meaningful connections with women.
  • GOODContributes to an improvement in overall mental health, making it easier to build self-confidence and social skills.

How do I approach a girl without fear?


One impactful way to approach a girl without fear is to immerse yourself in taking action; meaning immediately going out and doing it, regardless of the fear of rejection or the anxiety that might arise in social situations involving beautiful women.

The Client from Russia

In my first consultation call with him, he claimed that he could do anything in his life that he put his mind to.

In other words, fear did not affect him – except when it came to approaching women, which caused him intense fear and anxiety.

He had tried several methods, including:

  • BAD – Telling himself she is only human.
  • BAD – Practising simple conversation starters.
  • BAD – Looking for easy opportunities.

But nothing worked, which is why he booked my course.

How I Guided Him Through His Specific Phobia of Approaching Women

During our session, I shared a story about Ghengis Khan, one of the greatest leaders to have ever lived.

The story describes how Ghengis Khan attacked Russia during the worst possible time – winter when it was so cold that no one expected an attack.

Just like Ghengis Khan chose the toughest moment to strike, sometimes confronting the most daunting social situations head-on can help us overcome our fears and build courage.

This was an analogy to show him how facing the worst-case scenario head-on could help him build courage.

Accepting Your Fear and Building Courage

  • FIRST STEP: I encouraged my client to realise that waiting for easy opportunities to approach women only made him more self-conscious. By telling him about Ghengis Khan, he finally understood that he thrived in difficult situations, just like facing his intense fear of rejection could lead to a breakthrough in his social skills.

  • SECOND STEP: On the course, I took him to environments that were particularly challenging for approaching women:
    • A busy tube station.
    • An art gallery during a guided tour.
    • Rush hour on Oxford Street.

  • THIRD STEP: Let him discover how these environments would force him to:
    • Step up to the personal challenge.
    • Channel his energy and vitality.
    • Thrive in bustling environments.

The result? He didn’t just overcome his fear of approaching girls—he completely eradicated it, which significantly improved his dating life and mental health.

This decision made him a formidable leader because it showed his fearlessness in choosing difficult circumstances.

The approach mindset

Most of us wait for the easiest moment before trying something new.

Yet, like Ghengis Khan, there is something energising about selecting the hardest and most challenging time to commit to something. It strengthens our minds and solidifies our willpower.

Importantly, this mindset can empower us in all areas of our lives, not just in overcoming our fear of approaching women.


How to overcome anxiety about approaching women?


One impactful way to overcome anxiety about approaching women is to release unnecessary pressure, especially when approaching beautiful women or engaging in unfamiliar social situations that trigger social anxiety.

The Over-Competitive Client

One of my clients, a man in his mid-thirties, was excited about overcoming his approach anxiety.

However, when he joined the course, he immediately wanted to compete with another participant to see who could approach the most women.

This inadvertently added anxiety and pressure, negatively impacting his confidence and mental health.

Key Challenges Faced by the Over-Competitive Client:

  • BAD – Increased anxiety due to constant comparison with others.
  • BAD – Heightened pressure leading to diminished confidence.
  • BAD – Focus on competition instead of enjoying the process.

Competition and Pressure

Initially, the other client was more successful—taking numbers and engaging women easily.

The over-competitive client put too much pressure on himself, which led to self-defeating behaviour, intense anxiety, and feelings of low self-esteem that triggered his fear of rejection.

How I Guided Him to Release Pressure

  • FIRST STEP: Recognise the negative impact of competition. Halfway through the day, I advised him to stop competing and focus on enjoying each interaction without comparison. This was key to reducing self-imposed pressure and overcoming his irrational fear of underperforming in social interactions.

  • SECOND STEP: Shift to enjoying the process. I encouraged him to take each interaction step-by-step, with no expectations for outcomes or comparisons. This helped him stay present and alleviate social anxiety, building healthier social skills.

  • THIRD STEP: Allow relaxation to lead to better results. This reduced pressure allowed him to genuinely enjoy his interactions, ultimately leading to improved confidence. By the afternoon, he even went on an instant date with one of the girls he met, which was a significant milestone for a single guy struggling with social anxiety.

Lessons Learned from the Competitive Mindset

  • BAD – Competition can sometimes push us to achieve more, but excessive pressure can be crippling, leading to intense anxiety and irrational fears.
  • BAD – Reducing the focus on competition allows us to feel more relaxed and come across as more authentic and attractive to women. It fosters a healthier belief in oneself and reduces the likelihood of developing bad habits like constant comparison.

Overcoming Anxiety by Relaxing

  • GOOD – Diminish the feeling of being overwhelmed in social situations.
  • GOOD – Be more relaxed and calm in interactions, which helps overcome approach anxiety.
  • GOOD – Come across as more attractive to others, whether engaging in a conversation or practising a cold approach.

How to cure approach anxiety and Build Self-Confidence?


One effective way to cure approach anxiety is to understand the underlying fears, such as the fear of rejection or social anxiety, and make a decisive commitment to change.

Often, the decision itself to take action can be transformative and can significantly improve your mental health and self-confidence.

The Client with 20 Years of Anxiety

One of my clients had struggled for 20 years with anxiety about speaking to women. He experienced extreme anxiety and distress in social situations involving the opposite sex.

During our consultation call, he said, “There is no way you can help me overcome my anxiety.”

How I Guided Him to Overcome His Anxiety

  • FIRST STEP: Decide to Take Action – I understood his fear, given his history, and reassured him that we could help. The turning point for him wasn’t just the course but making the decision to take action to overcome his specific phobia of approaching women and change his life.

  • SECOND STEP: Commitment to Change – Once he committed to the dating confidence course, his mindset shifted. He was no longer passively waiting; he took ownership of his change, actively working to overcome his anxiety disorder and build self-confidence.

  • THIRD STEP: Practice Simple Techniques – During the course, I provided simple, practical techniques to help him, including:
    • Getting proximity to practice exposure therapy.
    • Power posing to build self-confidence.
    • Affirmations to reinforce positive belief in his abilities.

Within an hour, he was confidently approaching women he never thought he could, successfully breaking through his intense fear and irrational thoughts.

This transformation was rooted in his personal decision to change his life, improve his social skills, and overcome his anxiety.

Summary


  • Approach Busy Situations: Overcoming your fear of approaching women by diving into the most challenging environments energises you, builds resilience, and helps reduce social anxiety. This exposure therapy approach helps you develop courage and overcome intense fear.
  • Reduce Competition: Focus on the process, not comparing yourself with others, to reduce pressure and cultivate healthy habits like self-acceptance. This will help you feel more relaxed in social situations and make you come across as more authentic and attractive to potential dates.
  • Commit to Change: Make the personal decision to overcome your anxiety and phobia—this commitment changes your belief system, improves your mental health, and boosts your self-confidence, making the process easier and more rewarding.

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Resources

  1. Chorney, D. B., & Morris, T. L. (2008). The changing face of dating anxiety: Issues in assessment with special populations. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 15(3), 224–238. This study explores the prevalence of dating anxiety among college students, noting that approximately 12% experience high levels of dating-related anxiety. It discusses the impact of dating anxiety on the development of sexual relationships and the potential risk of sexual dysfunction, highlighting the importance of addressing these issues in treatment.
  2. Doyle, F. L., Baillie, A. J., & Crome, E. (2021). Examining whether social anxiety influences satisfaction in romantic relationships. Behaviour Change, 38(4), 263–275. This research indicates that individuals with higher social anxiety are less likely to be in romantic relationships. However, for those in relationships, social anxiety did not significantly influence relationship satisfaction when controlling for depression, suggesting that addressing depressive symptoms may be beneficial for socially anxious individuals seeking to improve romantic relationship satisfaction.
  3. Holtzhausen, N., Fitzgerald, K., Thakur, I., Ashley, J., Rolfe, M., & Pit, S. W. (2020). Swipe-based dating applications use and its association with mental health outcomes: A cross-sectional study. BMC Psychology, 8, 22. This study examines the relationship between the use of swipe-based dating applications and mental health outcomes. Findings suggest that users report higher levels of depression, anxiety, and distress compared to non-users, highlighting the need for further research into the specific patterns of dating app use that may be detrimental to mental health.
  4. Kuss, D. J., & Griffiths, M. D. (2011). Online dating and problematic use: A systematic review. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 9(1), 1–14. This systematic review discusses the potential for problematic use of online dating platforms, noting that personality traits such as neuroticism, sociability, sensation-seeking, and sexual permissiveness are related to greater use of these services. The study emphasizes the need for further research into the negative correlates of online dating use, including its impact on mental health.
  5. Garcia-Lopez, L. J., Olivares, J., Beidel, D. C., Albano, A. M., Turner, S. M., & Rosa, A. I. (2006). Efficacy of three treatment protocols for adolescents with social anxiety disorder: A 5-year follow-up assessment. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 20(2), 175–191. This study evaluates the long-term efficacy of three treatment protocols for adolescents with social anxiety disorder, including cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). The results demonstrate significant reductions in anxiety symptoms, highlighting the effectiveness of CBT in treating social anxiety, which can be beneficial for individuals experiencing dating anxiety.

Written by Gary Gunn


Gary Gunn is a trained coach, accredited therapist and best selling author. He offers proven, evidence-based dating advice for single men.

He has hosted over 1,000 in-person dating confidence courses across the UK and Europe, as well as over 1,500 online courses.

As the head coach at Social Attraction, he leads the team and oversees the training and courses provided, helping countless men transform their dating lives.
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