How Shame in Dating Silently Sabotages Your Confidence

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

19 August 2025

Shame affects you more than you can imagine in your dating life. In this post, I’m going to walk you through a day in the life of a man experiencing shame in dating. I imagine a lot of the things I’m about to talk about will feel familiar to you. That’s because shame shows up in the background of many of your daily thoughts, doubts, and decisions — especially when it comes to your dating life.

My name is Gary Gunn and I’m a professional dating and confidence coach. Today, I’m going to coach you through how to identify shame in your life and what to do about it.

Let’s get into it.

Table of Contents

Morning: Shame Starts With Silence

He wakes up and checks his phone. No new messages.

He scrolls back through his chats. She’s read it but didn’t reply. Shame bubbles up quietly. Was I too eager, too boring, or just too much?

Believe it or not, that feeling you experience when she hasn’t texted you back or she’s left you on read is shame. It’s the sense that you’ve done something wrong. That you’re not enough. That there’s something wrong with you as an individual.

He goes to the bathroom. Looks in the mirror. The bags under his eyes, his thinning hair, his softening stomach. He tightens his jaw.

No wonder she ghosted him.

This is the beginning of confirmation bias. She hasn’t texted you back, and now every flaw you think you have becomes the reason why. You’re stacking these feelings of shame one on top of the other. And that affects how you feel about everything.

Shame in Dating Creates a Filter Over Your Life

He opens Instagram. The first story is his ex-girlfriend. She’s in Italy with a new guy. He’s good-looking, stylish, confident. They look happy.

And just like that, after everything they went through together, it seems like he was easily replaced.

This is how shame works. You look at a photo online and it confirms the worst things you already think about yourself. You don’t see reality. You see it through the lens of shame — like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.

Podcasts and Pressure: Just Be Alpha?

In the shower, he listens to a podcast.

The host tells him to man up. To be alpha. To take risks. To lead. To dominate.

And he thinks, “But what if I don’t feel confident? What if I don’t know what I’m doing?”

This is a common problem I see with guys that I coach. They’ve been to courses or watched videos that say things like “just approach her” or “just be alpha.” But when you’re feeling shame or self-doubt, being told to stop being yourself and act like someone else just confirms your worst fear — that who you are isn’t good enough.

When you’re told to act in a way that doesn’t align with who you are, it crushes your self-worth even further.

This is exactly why I teach men to be authentic. Because when you change yourself to be liked, you don’t gain real confidence. You lose it.

On the Train: Another Missed Moment

He’s on the train to work.

A beautiful woman is reading nearby. He wants to say hello. He even rehearses a line in his head.

But his stomach tightens.

What if she laughs at me? What if she sees right through me? I’m needy. I’m awkward. I’m clearly not good enough for her.

Again, shame shows up. Even if you’re coached with tangible strategies on how to talk to women, the underlying shame still pulls you back. That inner voice tells you not to take the risk.

When shame gets above a five or six, it starts to become toxic. It stops you from living. Now, shame can be useful because we’re social animals and need to be able to calibrate to social situations. But when it’s unchecked, shame consumes everything.

At Work: Everyone Else Has It Figured Out

He gets to the office.

A colleague talks about a great date he went on. Says, “Women are easy if you’ve got game.” Everyone laughs.

He fakes a smile.

Inside, he’s thinking, “I haven’t had a real connection in over a year.”

This is the moment when shame uses every external event to reinforce a negative belief. Everything around you feels like more proof that you’re not good enough. That others have cracked the code and you’re stuck in the dark.

I’ve personally dealt with shame in my life. That’s why I’m comfortable talking about it. I know the feeling, and I coach men who experience this every day. Often, we don’t even realize we’re dealing with shame. It takes time and awareness to see it for what it really is.

Lunch Alone: Dating Apps and Defeat

At lunch, he sits alone. He opens a dating app. Swipe, swipe, swipe.

Nothing.

No matches.

“I’m not attractive enough. No woman wants someone like me.”

Again, he’s using a platform that’s heavily weighted in favor of women and interpreting the results as a sign of his worth.

If this man came to one of my courses and I took him into the real world to meet women face to face, it would completely shift how he sees himself. He’d get the reference points he’s missing — small wins that build up over time.

Instead, he’s relying on external sources that only reinforce the shame.

The Gym: Trying to Outrun the Shame

After work, he goes to the gym.

He trains hard, trying to sweat it out, trying to outrun the shame. But it doesn’t work.

He sees younger, stronger guys lifting more weight with ease. They’re taller. They look better. They move with confidence.

“I’m a fraud,” he thinks. “Too late for me. Too far gone.”

This is what happens when shame in dating bleeds into every area of life. Even at the gym — where he should be proud of showing up and taking action — he sees only proof that he’s not good enough.

At this point, he’s playing the victim. And when you’re stuck in that mindset, everything feels stacked against you. It’s exhausting. It feels like no matter what you do, you’re still falling short.

But the good news is this: you can take control of your life at any moment.

The moment you set a new goal, you shift direction.

Evening: Stuck in the Shame Spiral

He’s home now. Alone.

He opens the dating app again and drafts a message to a woman he matched with last week.

Deletes it.

Rewrites it.

Deletes it again.

Asks AI to write something for him.

“Am I doing the right thing? Why is this so hard?”

He finally sends a message. But it doesn’t feel like him. It’s not authentic. He doesn’t believe in it. He doesn’t believe in himself.

This is a common issue I see in my coaching.

When men don’t feel confident in who they are, they outsource everything. They want perfect words. They want perfect timing. But it’s not about the message. It’s about how you feel when you send it.

You can’t fake confidence. And if you send something that doesn’t align with who you are, you’ll always feel unsure.

The Escape: Porn and Numbness

Later that night, he watches porn.

Not for desire. Not for fun.

For escape.

To numb the emptiness.

Afterwards, the familiar shame returns. The same loop. The same thought:

“If I had a real sex life, I wouldn’t be doing this.”

This is the full circle of shame in dating. It impacts everything — your self-worth, your motivation, your habits, and how you cope. And it’s often so quiet and constant that you don’t even realize it’s shame anymore. You just think it’s life.

If any part of this sounds like your life, then you are likely struggling with shame in dating.

Night: The Final Thought That Cuts Deepest

He lies in bed. Replays the day.

The silence. The missed chances. The constant comparisons.

He wonders if something is just wrong with him. He looks at other men and thinks, “They seem to know what to do. Why don’t I?”

Then comes the worst thought of all:

“I shouldn’t even feel this way.”

That belief — that feeling vulnerable, anxious, or unwanted makes you weak — is the most dangerous part of shame.

Because not only do you feel bad, but now you feel bad about feeling bad.

That’s the moment shame turns toxic.

Shame in Dating is the Hidden Enemy

Can you now see how shame in dating affects every part of your life?

And most of the time, we don’t even notice it. We think we’re just unlucky. We blame dating apps. We think we’re too short, too bald, too boring. We never stop to ask if maybe we’re living under the constant influence of shame.

The most important first step is recognizing that you can improve. That you can heal.

And the foundation of healing shame is this: optimism.

Believing that things can be better is the key that unlocks everything.

Start with Imagination, Then Take Action

I recently read a book about the psychological effects of cancer. One of the key lessons from that book is also true when it comes to shame in dating.

To move forward, you need to imagine that healing is possible.

When I want to make changes in my life, I take a moment to connect with the younger version of myself — the kid version of me who felt completely free and limitless.

And then I ask that version of myself: What do I want now? What do I need?

Your imagination is one of the most powerful tools you have. And when you use it to picture the kind of dating life you want, you give yourself permission to pursue it.

But the goals have to be believable. They have to feel real to you. Otherwise, you won’t take action.

Start Small. One Win at a Time.

So here’s what I recommend.

Start with one small goal.

Maybe it’s smiling at someone. Maybe it’s starting a simple conversation. Maybe it’s sending a message that actually sounds like you.

Each small win helps you rebuild your self-image. Each small step gives you a reference point that you can succeed. That you can connect. That you can be attractive and confident and real.

Because you can.

And when you take action, your beliefs start to shift. Slowly. Quietly. Powerfully.

How to Challenge Shame in Dating with Balanced Thinking

One of the most powerful tools I teach for overcoming shame in dating is what I call balanced thinking.

Here’s how it works.

You allow the negative thought to come up — but you don’t let it dominate. You balance it. You label it as a part of you, not all of you.

For example, instead of saying:

“She obviously wouldn’t like me.”

You say:

“A part of me feels like she wouldn’t like me.”

Then you add the word but, and finish the sentence:

“But unless I give it a go, I’ll never know.”

This subtle shift changes everything. Because now you’re no longer letting shame dictate your beliefs. You’re giving space to a more hopeful, realistic thought. You’re not denying the shame — you’re balancing it.

This is the process of challenging negative beliefs. And it works. Especially when you’re consistent.

When Shame Gets Toxic, Start From the Bottom

When you’re deep in shame, everything feels heavy.

The key is to start small. Very small.

Change just one thought a day. That’s it.

If you change one thought, you’re no longer the victim. You’re the guy who’s making a change. And if you stack those changes over time, you will get your shame under control.

You’ll start to rebuild your confidence. You’ll start to feel more secure in yourself. And yes, your dating life will improve as a result.

Shame in Dating Is a Journey, Not a Switch

Let’s be honest — shame isn’t something you get rid of forever.

It’s something you learn to manage. It’s something you grow through.

Even now, I still experience shame from time to time. But I know how to deal with it. I know how to face it, work through it, and move forward.

If I feel ashamed of something, I know I need to face that fear. Because once I’ve faced it, I know I’ve grown.

That’s why I’ve built my coaching practice the way I have.

Why My Coaching Focuses on Action, Not Therapy

I’m a dating and confidence coach, not a therapist. That means I don’t look backward — I focus on what’s next.

My approach is about helping you take directed action. It’s about setting goals, building reference points, and proving to yourself that you are capable, confident, and desirable.

That’s why so many of my clients get lasting results. Because we work on building your belief system through real-world action. Not through tricks. Not through fake techniques. But through authentic confidence.

And when you approach dating without shame, women feel the difference. You’re not chasing. You’re not pretending. You’re not afraid of being yourself.

You’re showing up as the man you really are. And that’s attractive.

Final Thoughts on Shame in Dating

Shame in dating is more common than you think.

Most men are held back by shame — not by looks, not by status, not by lack of opportunity. By shame. Shame keeps you small. It keeps you quiet. It makes you hesitate. It makes you feel like being yourself isn’t enough.

But it is.

You don’t need to be someone else. You don’t need to be “alpha.” You don’t need a list of perfect lines.

You need to work on becoming the most authentic and self-confident version of yourself.

And it starts by recognizing the shame that’s been running the show in your life. Once you see it, you can challenge it. You can start shifting your beliefs. You can begin building a dating life that feels real — and fulfilling.

If you’re ready to take that next step, I offer 1-on-1 consultation calls where we can talk through what you’re experiencing and see if my training courses are a good fit for you.

This isn’t therapy. It’s coaching. It’s about forward motion.

Because the truth is, you already have what it takes. You just need to believe it again.