Stop Outsourcing Your Confidence
In this blog, I want to talk about a modern dating problem: how so many people now go straight to AI hoping to solve their dating challenges. We ask ChatGPT questions like, “How do I deal with this situation?” or “What should I say next?”
But here’s the issue. When you rely on something outside of yourself for answers, you stop building real confidence. You get stuck in a loop of insecurity. You follow some AI-generated advice, and if it doesn’t work, you go back and ask again. You end up chasing clarity instead of creating it from within.
This isn’t just about dating. This is a pattern that shows up across every area of your life.
A Real Example: Wasting Time Chasing Perfect AI Thumbnails
This is my eighth or ninth video blog. If you’ve ever created content for YouTube, you’ll know how important thumbnails are. Earlier today, I watched a video that said you need to use AI to make high-converting thumbnails.
So I did what a lot of people would do. I spent half a day redesigning my thumbnails using AI. I scrapped my minimal style, tried a bunch of automated options, and halfway through I asked myself—why am I doing this?
Why am I listening to someone else instead of trusting my own instinct?
So I stopped. I went back to what I liked originally. And that decision brought something important into focus for me.
It’s not just about thumbnails. This pattern of seeking external advice instead of trusting ourselves shows up everywhere—including in dating.
Why Dating Advice from AI Isn’t Helping You
Back in the day, people used to go to Google for dating advice. They’d read blog articles, check who wrote them, and see if the author had any credibility.
Now, people skip that and go straight to AI. But here’s the challenge: AI pulls from a massive pool of information. You don’t know who wrote the original content. You don’t know the intention behind it or how accurate it is. The output is just processed data.
At least with Google, you can judge the source. If you’re reading an article I wrote, you know I’ve coached for years. You know I’ve worked with real people.
With AI, you don’t get that. You’re following advice without knowing where it came from.
And if you’re letting AI write your dating profile, generate your messages, or tell you how to respond, you’re not showing up as yourself. You’re outsourcing your identity. You’re becoming like everyone else.
Why You’re Still Not Dating the Women You Want
Let me be really clear here.
If you’re not dating the women you want to date, it’s not because you don’t have the right line or the perfect photo.
It’s because something inside you needs to change.
This isn’t about tactics. It’s about the deeper issues—your confidence, your decision-making, your habits. And unless you work on these, no tool or trick is going to help.
When you hesitate to approach women, you likely hesitate in other parts of your life too. If you procrastinate at work, you probably procrastinate in dating. If you lack confidence in dating, it shows up everywhere else.
This is a pattern. If one part of your life isn’t working, it often connects with other parts. Weakness in one area creates weakness across the board.
Breaking the Habit Loop That’s Holding You Back
Let me simplify this.
If you’re not dating the women you want to date, it’s not because you haven’t met them yet. It’s not because you don’t know what to say.
The real reason is that you have patterns of behavior—habits—that keep you stuck.
Here’s the good news: if you’re creating your own problems, that means you can solve them. But first, you have to change the habits that lead to inaction.
If I could snap my fingers and say, “Act this way and you’ll succeed,” most guys would say yes. But unless you change the habits behind your behavior, you won’t sustain any change.
From Hesitation to Action: A Client Story
Earlier today, I spoke with one of my clients. He’s 62 and currently going through a three-month mentorship with us.
This Friday and Saturday, I’m taking him to the Tate Modern and Spitalfields Market in London to help him practice starting conversations with women.
Right now, here’s what he does. He sees an opportunity, thinks about it, weighs the options, and then decides what to do.
That’s the problem. His habit is what’s stopping him.
We’re changing that. This weekend, he’ll learn to see a woman he finds attractive and start walking toward her—no thinking, no stalling. Just action.
That’s the first level of habit change. Stimulus and response. You see something, and you act. We’re training his nervous system to respond with energy, not hesitation.
We’ll then expand that process into other areas of his life. Because the goal isn’t just to help him approach women. It’s to help him become faster at acting on anything he wants to change.
Most people only commit about 70 percent. But the real growth happens in that 70 to 100 percent range. That’s where courage lives.
If you’re only 70 percent committed, you’re still stopping to think. Still hesitating. Still living in your old behavior.
When you commit fully, you stop thinking and start doing.
Performance vs. Connection: Why Hustle Hurts Dating
Let’s talk about a major mindset issue I see everywhere—the hustle mentality in dating.
It’s the idea that if you “do enough,” “learn enough,” or “optimize enough,” you’ll eventually succeed. You think confidence comes from taking massive action or putting in more reps—approach more women, get more matches, get more experience.
But here’s the reality: action without self-awareness just leads to burnout.
You’re trying to perform instead of connect.
You’re treating dating like a numbers game—more swipes, more approaches, more flirty lines. But what you’re really doing is chasing a result without building any foundation underneath it.
And because of that, you never feel fully confident. You never trust yourself completely. You stay stuck.
You Don’t Need to Do More. You Need to Be More You.
Real confidence isn’t about doing more.
It’s about doing less of what’s not you.
You don’t need 15 new tactics to message someone. You need to message them in a way that feels aligned with how you actually speak. You don’t need to copy another dating coach’s style. You need to build your own voice and learn to own it.
People can feel when you’re faking it. They can sense when you’re not grounded in who you are. That’s why advice from AI, while sometimes helpful for inspiration, rarely connects. It’s sterile. It’s impersonal. It’s not rooted in your actual energy.
And dating is all about energy.
Confidence Is a Nervous System Skill
Let me break this down in a way you might not have heard before.
Confidence is not just a mindset. It’s a nervous system skill.
If you’ve been avoiding risk, confrontation, or putting yourself out there, then your body has become wired for avoidance. You’re not just afraid to talk to women—you’re physically not used to doing hard things.
To change that, you need physical exposure to challenge. You need to train your nervous system to tolerate tension, risk, and even rejection.
That’s why the best transformations happen when guys get into real-life situations and learn how to respond differently.
It’s not theory. It’s reps. But they have to be the right kind of reps—intentional and emotionally engaged.
When we train guys in-person, we’re not just showing them what to say. We’re helping them retrain their entire reaction system.
And once that happens, confidence doesn’t feel like a performance anymore. It feels natural. Because it is.
Why Most Dating Content Fails You
Here’s a blunt truth.
Most dating advice content is made to get clicks, not change lives.
It’s based on easy tips, flashy edits, and surface-level advice like “text this line” or “use this opener.” It might make for a good video. But it doesn’t make you any more grounded, more resilient, or more connected to yourself.
That’s why you can watch 50 hours of dating content and still feel stuck.
Because watching is not the same as changing.
You’re consuming ideas, not embodying action. You’re outsourcing your confidence instead of building it.
What Authentic Confidence Looks Like
Let me paint the picture clearly.
I woke up this morning feeling tired. I had just run a full weekend of in-person coaching. My body was worn out. My brain was foggy. I didn’t want to get out of bed.
But I made a decision—I would still show up.
I transcribed one of my videos into a blog. I went to the gym. I kept things simple. And I spoke from the heart.
That’s what authentic confidence looks like.
It’s not about pushing yourself to always be “on.” It’s about being real with where you’re at and choosing to move forward anyway.
That energy is what people respond to—not perfection, not polished edits, not slick pickup lines.
Just truth.
Dating Is About Being Seen, Not Being Perfect
If you’re always trying to say the right thing, you’re hiding.
If you’re always trying to impress, you’re performing.
But if you’re willing to be seen as you are—even when you’re not perfect—that’s where connection begins.
And the ironic thing is, once you stop trying to impress people and just show up fully, you become more attractive.
Why?
Because most people aren’t doing that.
Most people are curating. Hiding. Editing their personality. Playing it safe.
When you show up with unfiltered truth, you stand out—because it’s rare. And rare is powerful.
Real Change Happens When You Stop Performing
Here’s the biggest mindset shift I want you to take away from this:
Stop trying to look confident. Start doing the things that build real confidence.
That means showing up when you’re scared.
It means being honest when you don’t know what to say.
It means choosing growth over ego.
It means trusting your own voice, even when others doubt it.
And above all, it means stopping the habit of outsourcing your confidence to tools, tricks, or tactics.
You already have what you need. You just haven’t practiced trusting it yet.
Your Confidence Is Built Through Choice, Not Hype
If you’ve made it this far, I want to remind you of something simple but powerful:
You don’t need to become someone else. You need to return to who you already are—without the filters, the scripts, or the borrowed strategies.
When you constantly seek answers outside yourself, you lose touch with your own internal compass. And the longer you rely on advice from AI, dating gurus, or social media influencers, the more disconnected you become from the one thing that really matters: your self-trust.
But the moment you start building that trust again—through action, through exposure, through presence—you stop outsourcing your confidence. You stop seeking permission to be bold. You stop needing the algorithm to validate your every move.
You become grounded.
You become clear.
You become real.
What Happens When You Stop Outsourcing Confidence?
Here’s what happens when you shift from consuming advice to creating your own path:
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You stop asking, “What should I say?” and start asking, “What do I really want to express?”
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You stop waiting for the right time and start moving with intent.
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You stop needing a new trick, because you’ve mastered your energy.
This is what I train clients to do—not just “get results,” but to step into a version of themselves that doesn’t second-guess every move.
A man who doesn’t need to chase women. Or followers. Or approval.
A man who acts from alignment.
Reclaiming Your Voice
If you’ve been living in your head—overanalyzing every move, scripting every message, watching endless videos for “what to say next”—you’re not alone.
But that’s not living. That’s intellectual paralysis.
The real transformation happens when you return to your body. Your breath. Your present moment. And you allow yourself to make mistakes, to look imperfect, to learn through experience.
No script will ever replace the power of real presence.
So if you want to grow, then practice ownership:
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Own your flaws.
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Own your voice.
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Own your timing.
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Own your awkwardness, your confidence, your curiosity.
Because when you own it, you stop performing.
And when you stop performing, people finally see you.
Final Thought: Build Confidence From the Inside Out
Confidence isn’t a downloadable file. It’s not a line of code. And it doesn’t come from copying someone else’s steps.
It’s an internal process—an earned rhythm—built through practice, pain, and presence.
If you want to become the kind of man who attracts without needing tricks… who walks into a room with quiet certainty… who creates real, grounded connections…
Then stop outsourcing your confidence.
And start building the life that creates it.
Written by Gary Gunn
Gary Gunn is an internationally accredited coach with 17 years of experience coaching single men.
He has spent years creating proven, real world systems that help men meet, attract and date the women they desire. He is also the best selling author of a book on confidence and dating.
Gary has taught in over 30 major cities worldwide and has coached more than 1,200 men globally through group courses, video coaching and one to one training.
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