Why Seeking Women’s Validation Destroys Your Dating Success
You dress well.
You look well.
But inside, you’re begging for her approval.
In this blog, I’m going to teach you why it’s not the way you dress or the way you speak that leads to dating success.
There’s a lot of misinformation online telling you:
Dress this way.
Speak this way.
Act this way.
Then women will want you.
But this approach is inauthentic. And it’s exactly why you keep failing.
So I’m going to simplify it for you.
Step by step.
Piece by piece.
This is going to help you right now.
I’m Gary Gunn. I’ve been coaching single guys for 17 years. This is gold.
Grab a pen and paper. I’ll even prompt you when to write things down.
Let’s start with why your appearance and communication style alone won’t get you the dating success you want.
When You Look Good But Still Fail
Imagine this.
You’re dressed well. You communicate well.
But when you’re around a beautiful woman, you’re inauthentic.
You’re anxious.
You’re looking to get something from her.
And instead of giving value — which is what women actually want — you’re trying to take something.
If you’ve heard the term “validation seeking,” that’s what it means.
It means acting in a certain way to get a certain response.
It doesn’t matter what you say or how well you’re dressed.
If you’re seeking women’s validation, your dating life will fail.
So how do you fix this problem?
Let me give you three powerful solutions. These work best when combined.
1. Start Leading Conversations
Write this down:
Stop following. Start leading.
When a woman asks you, “What do you do for a living?”
And you say, “I’m a CEO. I work in fashion,”
You’re trying to look good.
That’s approval seeking.
Instead, imagine you have 10 gold coins.
Every time you answer her question, you lose a coin.
Why?
Because she’s leading and you’re following.
So if she asks me what I do for a living, I might say:
“Guess. What do you think I do?”
Or
“It seems like a job is important to you.”
You’re not avoiding the question.
You’re reframing it.
You’re taking the lead.
This shows confidence and stops you from seeking her approval.
If a 10-year-old asked what you do, would you try to impress them?
No. You’d just say, “I work.”
That’s the mindset you want.
Approval seeking is trying to impress someone.
Write that down.
2. Be Less Affected by Her Beauty
This is a big one.
Be more internal.
Stop being reactive to every attractive woman you see.
If you’re always looking at women in the gym or scrolling through social media, you are conditioning yourself to be overstimulated by beauty.
That makes you chase.
And chasing leads to validation seeking.
Write this down:
“I am only being tested.”
When you see a beautiful woman, remind yourself that it’s just a test.
And pass the test by keeping your focus.
The more you practice self-control, the less validation you’ll seek.
Now this is critical:
When you stop seeking validation, you instantly stand out.
Why?
Because almost every guy she’s ever met is chasing her.
And you’re not.
That’s power.
3. Give Value in Conversations
This one might surprise you.
But the opposite of seeking validation is giving value.
Let me give you a quick example.
I once posted a video teaching men how to start a conversation by saying:
“Excuse me.” (pause)
“Thank you for wearing that outfit.”
It’s one of the best openers I’ve ever used.
But I got tons of hate.
“That’s creepy.”
“That would never work.”
Here’s the truth:
It works.
You’re just too scared to try it.
Now here’s how to live a value-giving life, not just in dating, but in everything you do.
If you see an attractive woman, think:
“How can I add value to her life?”
A compliment is a great start.
“You look incredible.”
“I love your outfit.”
That’s phase one.
But real value goes deeper.
Think about your skills. Your passion. Your life.
If you’re a musician, you’re giving value.
If you’re driven in your work, you’re giving value.
Dating is no different.
In the first 5, 10, or 15 minutes with a woman, think:
“How do I add value here?”
Five Ways to Add Value in Conversations
Let’s break it down.
1. Tell Stories
Stories show depth and make you interesting.
And you tell them because you want to, not to impress her.
Here are three types of stories to write down:
-
Childhood memories
-
A2B stories (where you struggled and overcame something)
-
Dreams and aspirations
These show character, emotion, and ambition — all very attractive.
2. Tease
Teasing adds playfulness.
Try things like:
“You’re kind of boring, aren’t you?”
“You’re standing pretty close. Bit keen?”
Give her a fun nickname.
Light teasing breaks the pattern of dull conversations and adds energy.
3. Say No
Say it out loud.
No. No. No.
She offers Instagram instead of her number? Say no.
She suggests something you don’t want to do? Say no.
It shows boundaries. It shows confidence. It shows that you’re not afraid to lose her.
And that’s massively attractive.
4. Change the Topic
If a woman asks you a question and you don’t want to answer it, change the subject.
It’s not about being rude.
It’s about showing that you’re not there to qualify yourself.
You are not on trial.
So instead of going into a long answer about your job, your car, or your travel plans, just pivot.
Say something like:
“That’s a big question. Let me ask you this first…”
Take the lead and move the conversation where you want it to go.
Remember, when you seek validation, you follow.
When you give value, you lead.
5. Walk Away
Yes. Walk away.
If the vibe isn’t right, if you’re feeling nervous, if she’s not contributing, end the conversation.
This is huge.
Most guys stay too long. They try to impress. They want something back.
That’s seeking women’s validation again.
But if you can walk away, calmly and confidently, you win.
You are saying with your actions:
“I choose who I speak to. I am not here to be chosen.”
That is high-status behavior.
That is attractive.
And that is what most men never do.
Final Thoughts on Seeking Women’s Validation
Here’s what you need to write down:
“The more I seek validation, the less I get it.”
Because when you chase, you lose.
When you give value, you win.
Every time you’re tempted to seek approval, stop.
Breathe.
Ask yourself:
“Am I giving value or chasing it?”
That one question can change your dating life.
Not overnight. But over time.
Because this shift — from trying to get something to bringing something — is the most powerful mindset you can develop in dating.
So next time you talk to a woman, remember this:
You are the prize.
Your value is in who you are, not in what she gives you.
Written by Gary Gunn
Gary Gunn is an internationally accredited coach with 17 years of experience coaching single men.
He has spent years creating proven, real world systems that help men meet, attract and date the women they desire. He is also the best selling author of a book on confidence and dating.
Gary has taught in over 30 major cities worldwide and has coached more than 1,200 men globally through group courses, video coaching and one to one training.
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