Why the Hustle Mentality in Dating Is Why You Are Failing
I’ve been coaching and producing content for 17 years. In that time, I’ve seen dating coaches rise and fall. I’ve met people who have taken courses from other companies and then joined mine. I’ve seen what works and what doesn’t, and if there’s one thing I want to say right at the start of this blog, it’s this:
If you’re following dating coaches who only teach you one thing, that’s a major red flag.
If someone’s YouTube channel is all about day game, what to say, how to do it, and constant breakdowns, then they are only expressing one small part of their personality. That means one of two things.
Either that really is the only part of their personality
Or they’re hiding the rest of who they are
Both are problems.
Because if you take that first option and expand it to someone’s whole life, it makes them undatable. What kind of woman would want to date a guy who is always hustling to meet more women, always looking for the perfect line to say?
And if it’s the second option, where someone has more depth but doesn’t share it, then what they’re doing is not authentic.
In my opinion, if you’re going to follow someone for dating advice, especially in today’s world, they have a duty to be real with you. They should show the full picture.
How I Used to Get It Wrong
I can speak from experience here because I’ve done this myself. In the past, I produced content that focused only on one style because I thought it would help me sell more courses. And that’s what most people are doing.
Most creators are putting out content because they believe it will help them sell more. But the problem is that it creates an endless cycle of competition. One coach does a video. Then another copies it. Then another makes a more polished version.
It becomes a race to create the ultimate tutorial. The ultimate day game approach. The ultimate strategy.
And that’s not just harmful to you as a viewer. It’s harmful to the creator too.
The Problem With the Hustle Mentality in Dating
Let’s be honest. If your entire dating life is based on the hustle mentality, then your chances of forming a deep connection are almost zero.
The hustle mentality in dating is focused on constant action. Constant pushing. It’s all about closing numbers, memorizing lines, optimizing interactions. But real connection doesn’t come from optimization. It comes from authenticity.
I now create content on all areas of my life. Books I’m reading. Meditation practices I’m exploring. Lifestyle choices I make every day. That’s real life.
But if all you see is day game tutorial after tutorial, understand what you’re looking at. You’re not seeing the full picture. You’re seeing a curated version of someone’s life designed to sell a product.
Everyone is guilty of this. No one wants to post content that doesn’t perform well. But that means the viewer ends up with a false picture of reality.
The Truth Behind Most Dating Content
Here’s the truth. Most of what you see is a highlight reel. It’s like watching a film trailer and thinking it’s the whole movie.
So here’s my professional advice.
Follow people who show the full picture. Ask yourself:
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Are they showing other areas of their life?
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Are they sharing their struggles?
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Are they evolving over time?
Because if someone’s content is always a 10 out of 10, always perfectly scripted, you’re going to start seeing the cracks.
It’s like a guy who’s rehearsed every word he says to a woman. At first, it might work. But eventually, she’ll notice that it’s too scripted. It doesn’t feel real.
Why I Started This Vlog
That’s why I started my vlog.
Even in my own attempts to be real, I realized something was missing. My content was being edited by someone else. My videos didn’t feel completely true to life.
Now I do it all myself. I record in one take. I make a quick thumbnail. I upload it the same day. No editing team. No waiting a week. Just truth in the moment.
Because here’s what I learned from one of the most powerful books ever written, War and Peace by Tolstoy.
In the introduction, Tolstoy says that any story with a beginning, middle, and end is not truth. It’s a story. Truth, he says, is a moment in time. A painting. A snapshot. Something real.
That changed everything for me.
So now I don’t tell stories about who I am. I just share what is happening.
How That Affects You
Why should you care?
Because if the people you’re watching are only showing one part of their life, you’re going to become like them.
And in my experience, people who only hustle in dating are not able to build lasting relationships.
Yes, the skills of approaching women during the day are powerful. I teach them myself. But that’s just a small part of a much bigger picture.
Where real magic happens is when you connect over something personal. A book you’ve read. A hobby. Something that matters to you.
If all you’ve got are lines and strategies, you’re going to miss the point entirely.
The Danger of Inauthentic Dating Content
Let’s go even deeper.
There are dating coaches out there who film women without their consent and then upload that content to sell courses. What does that tell you about them?
It tells you that they’re willing to cross moral boundaries. That they care more about selling than about people.
If someone is willing to be inauthentic in how they present other people, do you really think they’re going to be authentic with you?
It’s a clear sign of someone who is only focused on profit. And that hustle mentality in dating leads nowhere good.
Now I know there are people who message me all the time saying they want to see more videos of me talking to women during the day.
But I won’t do that.
Why?
Because I respect people’s privacy. I respect women. I respect human interaction.
The conversation I have with someone on the street is between me and that person. Just because it happens in public doesn’t mean it should be made public.
That is the difference between being authentic and being exploitative.
What to Look for in a Dating Coach
If you’re going to invest time and energy into following someone’s advice, especially in the dating space, ask yourself:
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Are they showing more than just success?
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Do they talk about their own struggles?
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Are they open about the areas they’ve failed in or grown in?
Because if everything is polished and perfect all the time, it’s not true. And if it’s not true, then it won’t help you grow.
Real growth comes from following people who are also growing.
You want to see their progression. You want to see them changing their mind on things.
I’ve had people message me and say, “You said something different in your last video.”
Yes. I did.
Because I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m living.
What I said yesterday was true for me then. What I say today is true for me now.
That’s how life works.
The Truth About Burnout in the Hustle Culture
Let me tell you something about being stuck in the hustle mentality in dating.
It’s exhausting.
When you’re always trying to sell. When you’re always trying to say the right thing. When your identity is wrapped up in being the perfect dating coach or the perfect student.
You burn out.
You feel tight. You feel rigid. You feel anxious.
Because deep down, you know something’s off.
And the only way to break free from that is to stop trying to be something you’re not. Let go of the story you’re trying to tell.
Just be who you are.
That’s what I’ve started doing. I talk about books I read. I talk about my lifestyle. I talk about the things that interest me.
And the results? I feel more free.
More connected. More creative.
You Are More Than Your Dating Life
This is the part I really want you to take away from all of this.
If you’re only focused on one area of your life, especially in dating, you will become that one-dimensional person.
Yes, learn the skills. Learn how to approach. Learn how to connect.
But don’t forget that dating is just one piece of your life.
What makes someone attractive is depth. A sense of purpose. A rich inner world.
The hustle mentality in dating doesn’t teach you how to be a well-rounded human being.
It teaches you how to mimic confidence.
But long-term relationships are built on more than confidence. They are built on who you are when the lights are off, when the cameras are gone, when no one is watching.
And that can’t be faked.
What Authenticity Really Looks Like
Let me paint the contrast clearly.
Today, I woke up absolutely exhausted from running a weekend training course. I barely had the energy to get out of bed.
I managed to transcribe one of my videos into a blog, and even though I used AI tools to assist, it still took a lot of work to keep it authentic.
Then I ate, prepped for my personal training session, and started scrolling through other dating coach content. And I was bored.
Why?
Because it was all the same. Same titles. Same tips. Same flashy edits.
There was no truth in it. No honesty.
And that’s why I’m writing this.
Because I don’t want to be part of that system anymore.
The Freedom in Letting Go of the Hustle
Here’s the honest truth. I could have gone outside today and filmed myself talking to a woman in the street. I could have used that clip to pitch you on one of my courses.
But I didn’t.
Because I would rather share something real than push a product.
That’s freedom. That’s truth.
It might not sell as well, but it connects. And for me, that’s more important.
It’s funny. I started the day tired, but after recording that video and now writing this, I feel better.
Do you know why?
Because I’m being honest.
I’m not trying to impress you. I’m not trying to be someone I’m not. I’m simply telling the truth about how I feel and what I see.
And that’s something you’ll never get from people stuck in the hustle mentality in dating.
What This Means for You
So here’s what this all means for you.
If you’re only watching people who present one image and never show the rest of their life, you’re going to start believing that’s all that matters.
But that’s not what builds connection.
What builds connection is depth. Interests. Vulnerability. Growth.
If your whole life is based on getting better at saying the right thing to women, you’re missing what really matters.
The best relationships don’t come from rehearsed lines.
They come from shared moments. Shared interests. Shared values.
So take a step back.
Ask yourself what kind of person you want to become.
And if you want to build something meaningful, then let go of the hustle. Let go of the performance.
Start showing up as yourself.
Start living truthfully.
And the right people will find you.
Final Thoughts on the Hustle Mentality in Dating
The hustle mentality in dating is seductive. It makes you feel productive. It gives you something to chase.
But if you chase it for too long, you’ll wake up one day exhausted, unfulfilled, and alone.
Because real connection doesn’t come from hustle.
It comes from honesty.
It comes from being human.
And if you’re ready to stop pretending and start being real, then today’s the day to make that change.
Written by Gary Gunn
Gary Gunn is an internationally accredited coach with 17 years of experience coaching single men.
He has spent years creating proven, real world systems that help men meet, attract and date the women they desire. He is also the best selling author of a book on confidence and dating.
Gary has taught in over 30 major cities worldwide and has coached more than 1,200 men globally through group courses, video coaching and one to one training.
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