Emotional Healing for Men: The Hidden Link Between Childhood and Your Dating Life

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

13 August 2025

Table of Contents

Most of us think our childhood was normal.

In fact, how could it be any other way? That was just the way things were.

What many of us do is over-rationalise our childhood using the term normal. But really, what we’re doing is repressing how we feel. If your dating life isn’t where you want it to be, if you’re not attracting the kind of women you know you’re capable of attracting, it’s worth asking yourself a difficult question.

Are you emotionally shut down?

I say this with no judgement. I’m as guilty of this as you watching or reading this right now. My name is Gary Gunn and I’ve been a professional dating coach for the past 17 years. And here’s what I’ve come to believe:

How we feel on the inside is always reflected on the outside.

In this post, I’m going to share with you some personal stories and specific strategies that will allow you to begin emotional healing. When you start to feel better emotionally, you begin putting out a warmer, calmer, more attractive energy to the world around you.

A Story from My Childhood

When I was a kid, I went to a high-end private school. I had a sports scholarship. Every lunchtime, we’d sit at the dining table and wait for food. There’d be bread rolls and nice food in front of us, but we weren’t allowed to eat.

We had to wait for a teacher to come sit down and give us permission.

But it never happened simply. My teacher, who was clearly on a power trip, would deliberately have a boring conversation for 15 minutes knowing full well we were all waiting. Then, after the silence, someone would have to say, “Sir, would you like some bread?” And he’d reply, “I’m okay. You may now have bread.” Only then were we allowed to eat.

As a kid, I rationalised this behaviour as normal. Just a teacher being a teacher.

But now, as an adult, I look back and realise that was a power-hungry idiot making children wait just to feel in control.

And here’s the important bit: emotionally, I was still an 11-year-old boy. That feeling of being powerless stayed with me. And most of us carry those emotional echoes without realising it.

Recognition and Worth

My school was elite. Unless you excelled in something, you were ignored.

At around 12 years old, I was introduced to a new rugby position called flanker. I put everything I had into it. I thrived. I was recognised. For me, the message became clear:

Give everything and you’ll be noticed. Try hard and you’ll be valued.

That sounds rational. It’s a very capitalist belief system: give value or you’re a nobody.

But that mindset wasn’t built by a rational adult. It was built by a 12-year-old boy who just wanted to be seen.

These moments from childhood stick with us. And unless we explore them, they continue to play out in our adult lives. Let me explain how that worked for me.

Living in Constant Performance Mode

Today, I often feel like every piece of content I create is a performance. It either wins or loses. It succeeds or it fails.

That mindset makes me hyper-critical, especially of other professionals. Because if I have to be perfect, then so do they.

The result is a constant internal cycle. I wake up every day feeling like I need to conquer the world, and by the end of the day, I’ve slid back to my emotional baseline. It’s like a scene from Pinky and the Brain or an old Simpsons episode.

This is homeostasis. This is emotional conditioning. This is what many men live with every day.

Where Emotional Healing for Men Begins

I’m 40 years old.

If you’re older than me, you likely went to a similarly regimented school. If you’re younger, perhaps your parents, teachers, or environment instilled similar patterns.

So, how do you start to process these experiences? How do you heal emotionally?

First, understand this:

If you remember something from childhood, there’s a reason. There’s an emotional charge to that memory. But as long as it stays trapped in your head, it has nowhere to go.

That’s why emotional healing for men requires externalising those thoughts and feelings.

Here are a few ways you can do that:

See a therapist and talk it through
Journal in detail about how you felt at the time
Use an audio recorder and speak your thoughts out loud

The method doesn’t matter as much as the act itself. Get what’s inside of you out. The more you do, the lighter you’ll feel.

Reverse Engineering Your Adult Patterns

If you’ve drifted off reading, now’s the time to tune back in.

There’s a very powerful concept here. You can reverse engineer emotional pain in your adult life to trace it back to childhood.

Let’s say you constantly feel like you’re waiting for women to text you back. Chances are, in your childhood, you were often waiting on someone. A parent. A teacher. Someone in authority. Maybe you were waiting to be told off, or waiting for affection that never came.

This is my experience as a dating coach and accredited therapist. In almost every case, the waiting pattern in adulthood links back to an earlier cycle.

Uncovering Childhood Cycles in Your Dating Life

Here’s another example.

Let’s say you’re great on the first or second date. But women won’t commit to dating you long term. Where might that come from?

Chances are, somewhere in your early life, you had a friendship or relationship that ended suddenly. Maybe you got close to someone, trusted them, and they dropped you.

Now as an adult, that same cycle reappears. But instead of recognising it, most men play the victim. They don’t stop and ask, “Where is this pattern coming from?”

This is where emotional healing for men really begins.

It’s when you stop blaming others and start reflecting on your own life. It’s when you realise that this isn’t the first time you’ve felt this way. That’s the real breakthrough.

Because often, what’s happening in your dating life today isn’t about what’s happening now. It’s a trigger from your past. Your nervous system is reacting based on a memory, not a moment.

Why Emotional Memory Is More Powerful Than You Think

As children, we feel everything more intensely. We don’t yet have coping mechanisms. So when something affects us emotionally, it leaves a deep imprint.

As adults, we often downplay these memories. We think we’re beyond them.

But here’s the truth.

When something from today hits that same emotional note, your body reacts the same way it did back then. That’s why emotional healing for men often involves going backwards before you can move forward.

The simple act of becoming aware of this changes your perspective. You start to see the cycle. And when you see the cycle, you can change it.

A Conflict That Lives in Many Men

Let me share another personal experience with you.

I often feel like I’m waiting. Waiting for someone. Waiting for something. Waiting for life to happen.

And yet, another part of me wants to take control. That’s the athlete in me. That’s the part of me from sports that believes I can move fast, take action, and create change now.

Those two identities clash. And they’ve been clashing for most of my adult life.

One part of me waits. The other part of me pushes. And that conflict plays out in my everyday behaviour.

But now that I’m aware of it, I can do something about it. I can create boundaries. I can put systems in place that stop me from falling into those traps.

That’s emotional healing for men in real time. It’s not about having all the answers. It’s about recognising your own patterns and learning how to manage them.

Designing Your Day with Your Mind in Mind

Let me give you a simple example.

When I go to sit down on the couch, I don’t just flop down and grab my phone. That leads to scrolling, checking messages, and going into reactive mode.

Instead, I pick up a book before I sit. I open it and sit down holding it. This one small change puts me in proactive mode. It keeps me from defaulting into old habits.

I’m now making decisions based on how I work as a person. That’s choice architecture. That’s setting up your life to support your goals.

Once you understand your own emotional makeup, you can design your days differently. You can make better choices, create better habits, and actually stick to them.

That’s how emotional healing for men becomes actionable.

Letting Go of Perfectionism

There’s another part of me that has always tried to be perfect. The one that performs. The one that thinks every piece of content has to be polished. Suit on. Serious face. Top-level production.

But that mindset burns you out.

Historically, I would create a flurry of content, feel exhausted, then disappear for months. That’s what perfectionism does. It puts you in a loop where nothing is ever good enough.

So I made a shift.

Now I create raw, unedited videos daily. I show up as I am. That change in process is also part of my emotional healing. Letting go of the perfectionist part of myself is me breaking that cycle.

It’s not about lowering your standards. It’s about knowing which part of you is driving your actions—and making sure that part isn’t running your life into the ground.

Understanding Emotional Signals Like Anger and Frustration

Let’s talk about anger, frustration, and impatience. These are common emotions in men, especially when it comes to dating.

And understanding them is key to emotional healing for men.

Impatience is really just anger in disguise. You’re angry because something isn’t happening on your timeline. You’re angry because something’s out of your control.

When something is truly outside of your control, the only useful response is acceptance.

Think about queuing in a coffee shop. You can get more and more irritated—or you can accept the reality and stay calm. Acceptance is powerful because it brings your nervous system back into balance.

Frustration is a bit different.

Frustration happens when you put in a ton of effort but you’re not getting the reward you expected. So what can you do?

You’ve got two options:

Increase the reward so the effort feels worth it
Decrease the effort so you’re not over-invested

Personally, I prefer the first option. Make your goal bigger, more meaningful. That way, your energy feels like it’s going somewhere worthwhile.

This also applies to your dating life. Many men feel frustrated because they’re stuck swiping on dating apps, putting in time and getting nothing back. They don’t realise that meeting women in real life is a skill they can learn. It’s something they can take control over.

Emotional Healing for Men Leads to Real Change

If this resonates with you, and you’re ready to take the next step, you don’t have to do it alone.

You can book a call with me to work together one-to-one. We’ll figure out what’s blocking you, whether it’s emotional, practical, or structural. Maybe you need help meeting women in everyday life. Maybe it’s lifestyle design. Or maybe it’s breaking through those old patterns.

Whatever it is, I can help you.

I’ve created a huge amount of free content to share my ideas, experiences, and strategies. But if you’ve been following my work and it’s speaking to you, it might be time to go deeper.

Because emotional healing for men isn’t about talking in circles. It’s about understanding the truth of your life, seeing the cycles, and building the strength to change them.

Start by recognising the emotional cycles that are holding you back.

Then trace them back to the earliest memory you have. Write it down. Say it out loud. Get it out of your head and into the real world.

You’ll feel better. You’ll feel lighter. And you’ll finally be in a position to move forward.