Approach Anxiety: How to Overcome the Fear of Talking to Women
If you did not have anxiety about approaching a woman, how much better do you think your dating life would be? Most of us, when we are able to get into conversation, usually do okay with women we like. But the sticking point is the approach anxiety that holds us back.
A lot of guys have that friend who is really good at doing the approach, and they rely on him to start conversations. On a night out, when there are women you find attractive, you wait and hope for someone you know to make the introduction. This is a passive way of leading your dating life.
In this guide, I am going to explain what is actually happening when you feel approach anxiety and how to take control of it.
What Approach Anxiety Really Is
The truth is that whenever you feel anxiety in any area of life, it is your body’s way of asking for help or support. That is why when you are on a night out and you see an attractive woman across the room, you look to your friend to take control and give you the help you need to meet her.
The problem is that this creates dependency. You are outsourcing your dating success to someone else. There are much more effective ways to deal with approach anxiety that do not involve relying on friends. Once you understand that this feeling is simply your body asking for help, you can give it what it needs through better internal strategies.
Here are my three favorite ways to handle approach anxiety.
Technique One: Add the Word “But”
The first technique comes from behavioral psychology and involves balancing your negative thoughts.
You might think, “She’s super attractive, but she’s with her friends. There’s no way I can speak to her.” Or “She looks busy” or “She probably wouldn’t like me.” These are negative beliefs that block you from starting the conversation.
When you think like this, you are subconsciously asking for someone to save the day. Instead, you can save your own day by using the word “but.” In the English language, when you add the word “but,” it deletes everything before it and lets you focus on the positive.
For example:
“She doesn’t look like she’d like me, but I am going to go and do it anyway.”
“She’s with her friends, but I am going to give it a go anyway.”
By adding “but” and finishing with a positive action, you take control of the situation. You stop waiting for someone else to step in and you become your own hero.
Technique Two: Parts Labeling
The second technique builds on the first and also comes from behavioral psychology. It is called parts labeling.
Parts labeling has become popular in therapy and is often discussed in internal family systems therapy, which looks at the different parts of your personality.
Rather than saying, “She looks busy,” you reframe it as, “A part of me thinks she looks busy, but another part of me wants to go and talk to her anyway.”
When you label your thoughts as a “part” of you, it creates emotional distance from them. They no longer feel like your whole truth. This reduces the sense of threat and helps you act despite the fear.
It is like having two versions of yourself in the moment: one that feels nervous and one that says, “I’ve got this.” That is how you take control of your approach anxiety.
Technique Three: Power Posing
The third way to overcome approach anxiety is through power posing. Often, we feel physically small or weak in moments when we want to approach, and this fuels hesitation.
If I could suddenly give you 30 percent more energy, chances are you would be able to start that conversation. Power posing is a quick way to boost your energy and confidence.
For example, raise your hands above your head three times or stand at attention like a soldier. This brief physical shift can give you a surge of energy that helps you override your hesitation.
Why These Techniques Work for Approach Anxiety
These three techniques work because they rewire the way your mind and body respond in high-pressure moments. Approach anxiety often feels overwhelming because it mixes negative self-talk, physical tension, and a lack of an action plan.
By adding the word “but,” you instantly flip a negative thought into a statement of action. You shift focus from fear to movement.
By using parts labeling, you stop identifying fully with your anxious thoughts. You acknowledge them without letting them control you.
By power posing, you use your physiology to influence your psychology. When your body feels stronger, your mind follows.
Proven Over Years of Coaching
I have been teaching men how to approach women during the day for more than 17 years all around the world. Over that time, I have tested thousands of different methods for dealing with approach anxiety.
These three tools have consistently worked for my students, no matter their background, personality, or location. Whether you are in a busy city or a quieter town, they can be applied immediately.
When clients fly in to take my courses in London, I make sure they master these techniques before anything else. Once you can manage approach anxiety, everything else in dating becomes easier.
How to Apply These Strategies Tonight
You can start using these approaches the very next time you go out.
When you see a woman you want to talk to and a negative thought appears, use the “but” technique immediately. Turn the excuse into a commitment to act.
If hesitation still lingers, try parts labeling. Recognize that the anxious voice is just one part of you and let the confident part take over.
Finally, before making your move, take 10 seconds to power pose. Give yourself that quick burst of energy to carry you forward.
With repetition, these techniques will train your mind and body to approach more naturally, without waiting for someone else to create the opportunity.
Taking Control of Your Dating Life
Approach anxiety is not a fixed personality trait. It is a learned pattern, and patterns can be changed.
By becoming your own source of support instead of relying on friends or chance introductions, you take ownership of your dating life. You stop being passive and start creating opportunities on your own terms.
These are not just tricks for one night out. They are long-term tools for building confidence and independence in your interactions with women.
Final Thoughts on Beating Approach Anxiety
Approach anxiety is not something you have to live with forever.
When you know exactly what to say to yourself, how to separate from your anxious thoughts, and how to physically prime your body for confidence, you remove the biggest obstacle to meeting women during the day.
Most men wait for confidence to magically appear before taking action — but the truth is, confidence comes from action itself. These techniques are designed to get you moving, even when you don’t feel ready.
The more you practice, the less power anxiety will have over you. In time, you will see women as opportunities, not threats. That’s when day game becomes effortless, fun, and natural.
Written by Gary Gunn
I coach men to build real self-confidence so they can meet, attract and date the women they truly desire.
My coaching is practical, real-world and focused on lasting behavioural change.
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