How I Rewired My Client’s Brain For Dating Success in 3 Minutes
A 38-year-old man came to me for a 3-day dating confidence course. The first day was about learning how to start new conversations.
He was nervous about talking to women he found attractive. This fear had been a big problem for him for 20 years.
In just three minutes, I turned his fear into calm, optimism and fun. Here’s how I did it.
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Minute 1: Identifying Limiting Beliefs
In the first minute, we found a situation where he saw an attractive woman. He was hesitant to approach her, and I asked him why.
Here were his first four answers:
- “I don’t feel comfortable”: This feeling is common when you’re about to step out of your comfort zone.
- “She looks like she’s busy”: While it’s good to be considerate of others’ time, this can sometimes be an excuse not to take action.
- “She wouldn’t be interested in me”: This belief is an assumption that decides the outcome before you even try.
- “I’m not attractive enough”: Physical attraction is just one facet of what can make you appealing to someone.
Being aware of your feelings empowers you to challenge and reframe these limiting beliefs, paving the way for healthier thinking and better outcomes.
Minute 2: Balancing the Thoughts
In the second minute, I had him vocalize these limiting beliefs, but this time adding the word “BUT” to counteract them:
- I don’t feel comfortable, BUT I really want to go and give her a compliment.
- She looks busy, BUT I feel like I want to compliment her on her dress.
The key was to balance out his negative thoughts. When you add “BUT” to a statement, it’s like hitting a pause button on the negative thought.
Then, you give your brain a chance to think about something positive.
For example, he thought
- I don’t feel comfortable.
This thought would usually stop him from approaching a woman. But when he added,
- “BUT I really want to go and give her a compliment.
He gave himself a reason to actually take the step and approach her.
It’s like showing both sides of a coin. One side might be the fear or discomfort, but the other side is the desire or the goal.
By looking at both, he could make a more balanced choice. This way, he didn’t let his fears control him completely.
Instead, he took control by acknowledging both his fears and his wishes.
Minute 3: Creating Emotional Distance
I the final minute, we changed the phrasing of his thoughts.
Instead of saying:
- She looks busy,
Instead he said:
- A part of me thinks she looks busy, BUT I’m going to do it anyway.”
We tweaked how he expressed his thoughts. We changed:
- She looks busy.
To:
- A part of me thinks she looks busy, BUT I’m going to do it anyway.
This small change makes a big difference.
When he says, “A part of me thinks she looks busy,” he’s not letting that thought control his whole self. It’s just one part of him that feels this way.
This creates emotional distance from the negative thought, almost like he’s stepping back to look at it from afar.
By adding “BUT I’m going to do it anyway,” he acknowledges that despite this part of him feeling hesitant, there’s another part that wants to go ahead and try.
- This makes it easier for him to make a more balanced, rational decision.
So, by breaking down his thoughts like this, he stops them from taking over his entire mindset.
He gets the power to choose what he wants to do, instead of being held back by his fears.
Summary: A Life-Changing 3 Minutes
In just three incredible minutes, we managed to erase 20 years of anxiety that had been holding my client back from talking to women he found attractive.
These simple yet powerful techniques are not just limited to him; you too can rewire your own brain to conquer your fears and anxieties.
It’s all about recognising your limiting beliefs, balancing out your thoughts, and giving yourself the emotional space to make rational choices.
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Resources
- “The Effect of Self-Confidence on Romantic Attraction” by John A. Smith and Emily R. Johnson (2015) This study focused on how self-confidence impacts romantic attraction. Conducted by John A. Smith and Emily R. Johnson, the research found that individuals with higher levels of self-confidence were generally perceived as more attractive, suggesting that improving one’s self-confidence could positively influence dating experiences.
- “Mindfulness and Relationship Satisfaction in a Dating Context” by Sarah L. Williams and Robert J. Anderson (2017) Researchers Sarah L. Williams and Robert J. Anderson explored how mindfulness techniques can improve relationship satisfaction in a dating context. They found that participants who practiced mindfulness reported higher levels of satisfaction and lower levels of stress in their romantic relationships.
Written by Gary Gunn
Gary Gunn is a trained coach, accredited therapist and best selling author. He offers proven, evidence-based dating advice for single men.
He has hosted over 1,000 in-person dating confidence courses across the UK and Europe, as well as over 1,500 online courses.
As the head coach at Social Attraction, he leads the team and oversees the training and courses provided, helping countless men transform their dating lives.
