Alfred Adler’s Top 20 Life Lies | How I Work With Clients’ Negativity

Alfred Adler’s Top 20 Life Lies | How I Work With Clients’ Negativity

Written by dating coach for men Gary Gunn - Founder of Social Attraction

Alfred Adler, a prominent Austrian psychiatrist and founder of Adlerian psychology, introduced the concept of “life lies” – beliefs that people adopt which hold them back from achieving their full potential.

I incorporate Adler’s approach to help my clients overcome these negative beliefs and life lies. By addressing and challenging these limiting beliefs, we work together to unlock their true potential and achieve personal growth and fulfilment.

Here are Adler’s top 20 life lies and how I help my clients overcome their issues.

“I must be perfect to be accepted”

Embracing Imperfection

The lie that one must be perfect to be accepted can be paralysing. According to Alfred Adler, perfection is an unrealistic goal. He believed that striving for perfection often leads to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would encourage individuals to accept their imperfections and recognise that everyone has flaws. He would promote self-acceptance and the idea that our value does not hinge on being perfect. Instead, he would suggest focusing on growth and progress rather than unattainable perfection.

“I am not capable of achieving anything on my own”

Unleashing Your Inner Potential

Believing that you cannot achieve anything on your own is a debilitating life lie. Adler argued that this belief stems from feelings of inferiority and dependency.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would empower individuals by helping them recognise their strengths and capabilities. He would use encouragement and positive reinforcement to build confidence, emphasising the importance of personal effort and resilience in achieving success.

“Others are responsible for my happiness”

Taking Charge of Your Happiness

The belief that others are responsible for your happiness can lead to a passive and dependent life. Adler stressed the importance of personal responsibility in achieving happiness.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would encourage individuals to take ownership of their own happiness. He would promote self-reliance and the understanding that happiness comes from within, not from external sources. By setting personal goals and pursuing their own interests, individuals can find true contentment.

“I must avoid challenges to prevent failure”

Embracing Challenges for Growth

Avoiding challenges to prevent failure is a common life lie that stifles personal growth. Adler believed that avoiding challenges leads to stagnation and missed opportunities.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would advocate for embracing challenges as opportunities for learning and growth. He would encourage individuals to see failure as a natural part of the learning process and to develop a growth mindset that views challenges as a path to improvement.

“I am defined by my past mistakes”

Moving Beyond the Past

Believing that past mistakes define you can hinder your ability to move forward. Adler argued that this life lie keeps individuals stuck in a negative self-image.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would help individuals reframe their past mistakes as learning experiences rather than defining moments. He would promote the idea of personal growth and the ability to change and improve, encouraging individuals to focus on the present and future rather than dwelling on the past.

“I must conform to the expectations of others”

Living Authentically

Conforming to the expectations of others can lead to a loss of personal identity. Adler believed that this life lie stems from a desire for approval and fear of rejection.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would encourage individuals to live authentically and true to themselves. He would stress the importance of self-awareness and personal values, advising individuals to pursue their own goals and aspirations rather than conforming to societal or familial expectations.

“I am unworthy of love and respect”

Recognising Your Worth

Feeling unworthy of love and respect is a damaging life lie that undermines self-esteem. Adler believed that every individual is inherently valuable and deserving of love and respect.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would work to build individuals’ self-esteem and sense of self-worth. He would encourage them to recognise their intrinsic value and to seek out relationships and environments that are affirming and supportive.

“I am helpless to change my circumstances”

Empowering Change

Believing you are helpless to change your circumstances can lead to a sense of victimhood and resignation. Adler argued that individuals have the power to influence their own lives.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would empower individuals to take proactive steps to change their circumstances. He would encourage setting realistic goals, developing a plan of action, and taking small steps towards improvement. By fostering a sense of agency, individuals can break free from feelings of helplessness.

“I must always be strong and never show vulnerability”

The Strength in Vulnerability

Believing that you must always be strong and never show vulnerability can lead to emotional repression and isolation. Adler understood that vulnerability is a natural and healthy part of the human experience.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would promote the idea that showing vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness. He would encourage individuals to express their emotions and seek support when needed, fostering deeper and more authentic connections with others.

“My worth is determined by my achievements”

Beyond Achievements

Believing that your worth is determined by your achievements can create a constant pressure to perform and a fear of failure. Adler believed that self-worth should not be contingent on external achievements.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would help individuals separate their self-worth from their achievements. He would emphasise the importance of self-acceptance and intrinsic value, encouraging individuals to find fulfilment in personal growth, relationships, and meaningful experiences rather than solely in accomplishments.

“I must be liked by everyone”

Embracing Authentic Relationships

Believing that you must be liked by everyone can lead to inauthenticity and people-pleasing behaviours. Adler believed that seeking universal approval is unrealistic and can be detrimental to self-respect.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would encourage individuals to focus on building genuine relationships based on mutual respect rather than seeking approval from everyone. He would stress the importance of being true to oneself and forming connections with those who appreciate and accept you for who you are.

“I cannot change my personality”

The Power of Personal Growth

The belief that one’s personality is fixed and unchangeable can hinder personal development. Adler argued that personality is dynamic and can evolve over time with conscious effort.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would help individuals recognise that they have the power to change and grow. He would encourage self-reflection, goal-setting, and the pursuit of personal development to bring about positive changes in one’s personality and behaviour.

“I am a victim of my circumstances”

Taking Control of Your Life

Believing you are a victim of your circumstances can lead to a sense of helplessness and defeat. Adler emphasised that individuals have the power to shape their own destinies.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would encourage individuals to take responsibility for their actions and choices. He would promote the idea of personal agency and resilience, helping individuals to identify and leverage their strengths to overcome challenges and improve their circumstances.

“I must suppress my emotions to be strong”

The Importance of Emotional Expression

Suppressing emotions to appear strong can lead to emotional distress and disconnect. Adler believed that expressing emotions is crucial for mental health and well-being.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would encourage individuals to acknowledge and express their emotions in healthy ways. He would promote emotional intelligence and the importance of seeking support when needed, emphasising that true strength comes from understanding and managing one’s emotions.

“I am destined to fail”

Cultivating a Success Mindset

Believing that you are destined to fail can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Adler argued that such pessimistic thinking undermines effort and motivation.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would help individuals challenge and reframe negative beliefs about their potential. He would promote a positive mindset, encouraging individuals to set realistic goals, take proactive steps, and learn from setbacks rather than seeing them as definitive failures.

“I cannot trust anyone”

Building Trust in Relationships

Believing that you cannot trust anyone can lead to isolation and loneliness. Adler understood that trust is fundamental to healthy relationships.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would help individuals work through their trust issues by addressing past experiences and fostering healthy communication. He would encourage building trust gradually and nurturing relationships based on honesty, reliability, and mutual respect.

“I must compete with others to prove my worth”

Fostering Cooperation Over Competition

Constantly competing with others to prove your worth can lead to unnecessary stress and conflict. Adler believed in the value of cooperation and community.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would encourage individuals to focus on self-improvement and cooperation rather than competition. He would promote the idea that each person has unique strengths and that working together can lead to greater achievements and personal satisfaction.

“I am defined by my external appearance”

Valuing Inner Qualities

Believing that you are defined by your external appearance can lead to superficial self-worth and constant dissatisfaction. Adler argued that true worth lies in one’s character and actions.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would encourage individuals to focus on developing their inner qualities and strengths. He would promote self-acceptance and the importance of character, integrity, and personal achievements over physical appearance.

“I must avoid conflict at all costs”

Healthy Conflict Resolution

Avoiding conflict at all costs can lead to unresolved issues and strained relationships. Adler believed that conflict, when handled properly, can lead to growth and understanding.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would teach individuals effective conflict resolution skills. He would encourage individuals to address conflicts openly and constructively, fostering healthy communication and understanding. By facing and resolving conflicts, relationships can become stronger and more authentic.

“I cannot pursue my dreams because of my responsibilities”

Balancing Dreams and Responsibilities

Believing that you cannot pursue your dreams because of your responsibilities can lead to feelings of unfulfillment and regret. Adler recognised the importance of balancing personal aspirations with daily responsibilities.

Adler’s Approach: Adler would encourage individuals to find a balance between their responsibilities and their dreams. He would suggest setting realistic goals and creating a plan to gradually work towards their aspirations. By prioritising time and resources, individuals can pursue their dreams without neglecting their responsibilities.

Conclusion

By addressing these life lies, Alfred Adler aimed to help individuals lead more fulfilling, authentic, and empowered lives.

His approach focused on fostering self-awareness, personal growth, and a sense of community and belonging.

Adler’s methods encourage individuals to challenge their limiting beliefs, take responsibility for their actions, and strive for personal and relational growth.

By doing so, people can overcome their life lies and live more meaningful and satisfying lives.

Free Consultation Call

By booking a free consultation call with me, you’ll gain access to a personalised coaching approach rooted in Adlerian psychology.

Together, we will:

  • Develop your self-reliance
  • Build meaningful relationships
  • Set and achieve purposeful goals

Take control of your life and create genuine happiness and fulfilment. Reach out today and start your journey towards a more empowered and balanced life.

Click here to book your free consultation call and learn more about how Adlerian psychology can transform your dating life.

Resources

Here are three top books on Adlerian psychology to further deepen your understanding:

  1. The Courage to Be Disliked (2013) – Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. This book explores the core principles of Adlerian psychology, encouraging readers to live authentically and without the need for external validation.
  2. Understanding Human Nature (1927) – Alfred Adler. Alfred Adler’s foundational work, offering insights into human behaviour, motivation, and the importance of social interest.
  3. The Individual Psychology of Alfred Adler (1956) – Heinz Ludwig Ansbacher and Rowena R. Ansbacher. A comprehensive compilation of Adler’s work, providing an in-depth understanding of his theories and their practical applications.

Written by Gary Gunn


Gary Gunn is a trained coach, accredited therapist and best selling author. He offers proven, evidence-based dating advice for single men.

He has hosted over 1,000 in-person dating confidence courses across the UK and Europe, as well as over 1,500 online courses.

As the head coach at Social Attraction, he leads the team and oversees the training and courses provided, helping countless men transform their dating lives.
Dating Coach